I once played a hooker in a church play.
When I was in high school, I went to a youth group at the very Dutch church where many of my friends went. Pretty much everyone in the congregation had a last name that started with V. Mine didn’t, and I stuck out. But the Dutch? Fairly welcoming as long as you don’t try to shop or mow the yard on Sunday.
Anyway. We did a couple of plays for the congregation. One was about the stresses of high school life. Why, I’m not sure – seeing as how all of the high schoolers in the congregation were actually in the show. So who was left to be inspired to go to school the next day and love the jocks, stoners, and artsy kids equally, like Jesus would? Those 80-year-old farmers?
The other play we did was something about Jesus being put on trial. I played a former friend of Mary Magdelene. I wore heels, a truly mini mini skirt, a tight sweater and about 20 pounds of jewelry. I was going to be a witness at the trial.
All of the witnesses sat randomly throughout the church. We sat down before any of the congregants arrived.
Evidently, the pew that I selected was The Pew of an older couple. They arrived at Their Pew and were flummoxed by my presence in what everyone else evidently knew was Their Pew. And, I imagine they were flummoxed by the fact that I was a whore. In church. And that I insisted on sitting on the aisle.
I played it cool, but I could tell the wife was disgusted and the husband was, umm, curious.
The play started.
BFF’s boyfriend played The Big Man, and his job was to sit on stage for the duration of the play and not laugh. When I was called to the witness stand, I waved to Jesus as I walked up. I chewed gum. And I made eyes at Jesus.
Just writing that hurts my soul. I chewed gum in church and I flirted with our lord and savior.
Obviously, it was an awful, awful play.
And afterward? Many of the 80-year-old farmers stood around talking about how great the show was. One man actually exclaimed that it was the best play he’d ever seen.
And for my role in that, I’m surely going to hell.