My prayers have been answered.

CNN recently reported that Gertrude Baines of Los Angeles is now the world’s oldest person. Ms. Baines is 114 years old. She was born in 1894, the daughter of former slaves.

1894. You gotta respect that. Grover Cleveland was president when she was born.

According to CNN, Baines credits her longevity to “religious faith, doing the right thing, and the occasional piece of crispy bacon.”


Sweet eight-pound, six-ounce baby Jesus in your golden fleece diaper – thank you. Seriously. Thank you.

Now, if you’ll all excuse me, I’m going to IHOP.

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