Back on the bus, y’all.

Another Sunday, another opportunity to celebrate femininity and American womanhood.

Yep. Another episode of Rock of Love Bus.

So, there was a challenge, and then the winners of the challenge got some stuff, blah blah blah. But the really important thing we learned from this episode was that evidently, it’s an everyday sort of thing for some people to go number two in their shorts.

Ok, so I don’t think that actually happened on the show? But this nasty, mean girl got all drunk and barfy?

And while drunk and barfy, she got all indignant with the other contestants. This girl actually said:

“Get over it. People puke. And they poop their pants. Where’s the garbage?”

Then she barfed in a trash can in a hotel lobby.

But let’s revisit her pearls of wisdom. People poop their pants? If you’re hanging out with a Depends sort of crowd, maybe. But the 20-year-old, wearing-a-thong crowd?

Obviously, these girls are just drunk for the duration of the show. Wherever they go, there’s booze. There’s booze in the bathrooms. There’s booze on the bus. I’m sure the show would be a lot less entertaining if they were all sober-ish.

But that got me to thinking, as Rock of Love Bus so often does. If I was drunk all the time, what sort of crazy-ass, reality-show-worthy sort of stuff would I do?

I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t poop my pants.

I’d probably sing embarrassingly in public places, more so that usual. And I’d think I was really, really funny. But mostly, I think I would stop people on the street and critique their outfits.

Yes. I am that woman. I am the woman who judges your outfit in the elevator. I am the woman who while waiting in line or for a friend or whatever judges you by how the length of your pants works with your shoes.

I don’t vocalize this internal monologue. But if I was drunk on some reality show? I probably wouldn’t be able to stop myself all the time. It might be fun, though. I could finally have the intervention I’ve always dreamed of with a guy I see at Corporate Behemoth. He wears a pinky ring and displays a fondness for short-sleeved mock turtlenecks with dress pants.

Short-sleeved mock turtlenecks.

Way worse that pooping your pants. I know.
Image of mean, hateful Ashley courtesy of And yes, that is a tattoo of Hello Kitty on her shoulder.
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