I’d like to thank the Academy.

I’ve been in Iowa this weekend. I just got home and the house is a total pit. So, of course, I’m sitting on the couch, watching the Oscars and eating Thin Mints.

Yeah, I’m wearing sweatpants. Why do you ask?

Is it just me, or was the big “The Musical is Back!” musical number sort of … a giant waste of time? I know it was created by Baz Luhrmann, but really. I tune in for awards and the “let’s see who died this year” montage.

Ok, mostly the montage. And the clothes. Jessica Biel, what were you thinking?

I would make a comment about her rack not being suitable for use as a towel rack, but I’ll refrain.

Also? I love seeing real people, not fake actors. I love seeing the joy when people win. I love that there wasn’t a dry eye in the house when Heath Ledger won – and I love that you could hear a pin drop as his family accepted the award. I love Kevin Kline, well, always. I love the sweet Indian sound guy who couldn’t catch his breath to give his acceptance speech. I love Sophia Loren, even in that awful ruffled gown.

I must also admit … I always find myself considering my dress, my date and my acceptance speech. I’m thinking a long blue gown (short skirts are so inappropriate for the Oscars). Poochie would be my date. And I’m hoping I’d come up with a witty acceptance speech. Something humble without being a grocery list of every person with whom I’ve ever worked.

Perhaps something like this:

I have been practicing this speech since I wrote a term paper in 9th grade about the Academy Awards. You’d think that with that long to prepare, I’d have something witty to say. However … obviously not. I am at a very delighted, very speechless loss. Thank you all so much.

Or maybe I’d just get up on stage and pee my pants. That’s probably a more likely scenario.

Who would you thank? And, more importantly, what would you wear?

Biel image courtesy examiner.com.
Loren image courtesy gaytvblog.com.
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