Stress relief and more insurance.

I need to come clean.

I have … fantasies.

They usually overtake me while I’m spacing off in traffic. Minding my own business, thinking about work, or how much peanut butter I have and how that equates to how long I can avoid going to the grocery store, or whatever, and suddenly I’m there. I’m in the fantasy. Living the fantasy. And loving it.

You see, when I’m in traffic, I often find myself fantasizing about … rear ending cars with stupid bumper stickers.

This happens even more than I fantasize about giving makeovers to other drivers. So, you know it happens a lot.

My favorite targets are cars with anti-choice bumper stickers. Particularly old Buicks with anti-choice bumper stickers. Especially Buicks with anti-choice bumper stickers driven by men.

Now, I’m all for freedom of speech and freedom of religion. I’m for freedom of choice. And when I see an old guy driving a Buick plastered with anti-choice bumper stickers? Well, it seems like the equivalent of me wearing a t-shirt that says “Ask me about my vasectomy.”

So, there’s that. There’s also the bumper car aspect of it. Wouldn’t it really make your day if you could just rear end a car just to make yourself feel better? If it was a socially accepted way to burn stress – like going to the gym or hitting happy hour?

“How was your day, dear?”

“Well, my boss is a total ass and our quarterly report is going to warrant pay cuts. But I rear ended a Olds Cutlass on the way home, and now I know everything is going to be ok.”

Of course, there’s this classic bit of cinema for inspiration.

I really think this is a solid idea. And, it will help the economy by sending more business to body shops. It’s the American way. A total win-win.

Remember: not rear ending that car in front of you means the terrorists have won.