I received this voicemail tonight.
Cha Cha. Creepy Stalker Guy. You have such a pleasant voice on voicemail – not that you have an unpleasant voice in person. I didn’t mean that. But you said if I ever called, you’d answer (1). Umm. So I’m calling. I know you didn’t answer, but I’m hoping you’ll call me back.
I need match.com advice. It’s awful. It’s horrible. I got an e-mail from somebody I was supposed to meet and it’s meaner than the one that you sent me, that’s pretty mean – and crappy (2). It’s like the crappiest one ever. I don’t know what to do with her.
So, anyway, I’m just a guy looking for guidance. That’s it. It’s that simple. Umm. And I thought perhaps you could help me and offer some guidance. So, that’s the reason I’m calling. If you would like, please give me a call back – 555-1212 – and I look forward to talking to you and just picking your brain, if you don’t mind. I’d appreciate that. So. I hope you had a great holiday weekend and like I said I look forward to hearing back from you (3). Bye.
1. I said I’d call him back, yes – but this was before he offered to pay me to go out with him and showed such an utter lack of respect for me and my wishes. Oh, and this was before two months – TWO MONTHS – of annoying texts and e-mails that I haven’t responded to.
2. My “mean” e-mail was in response to one he sent me before we met – an e-mail in which he berated me for taking five days to respond to his e-mail. This should have been a red, red flag to me, but, alas.
3. Hold your breath, buddy. Hold your breath.