Yes, I do have a future as a spokesmodel.

I have been touched by the hundreds – nay, thousands – of you who have reached out to me and admitted that you, too, believed in the magic of Jillian Michaels’ I Will Kill You workout DVD – also known as Shred. My research has shown that only 2 percent of all users have completed Shred more than three times.

Mine is, uh, on top of the DVD player. It has never actually been inside of the DVD player. But it used to be on the coffee table, so we’re making progress. I can feel the pounds melting off already.

Actually, it occurred to me tonight that I totally wasted my money. I already own the most perfect workout equipment in the universe.

Yes. I have an Electrolux vacuum.

Now, before you think I’m all dissing the Electrolux, let me stop you right now. I love my Electrolux. But I have to be honest about the situation.

If you have wood floors, there is nothing better than an old-school Electrolux with all the 97 attachments. There are special brushes and such just for wood floors, and they will become your best friends.

My grandma had an Electrolux. It was turquoise and I think it came from the Spring ’63 collection. She used it until 2001. It’s now in my parents’ basement. Yes, it still works. She’s a beaute.

My mom had an Electrolux, which she was kind enough to give me when I bought my house. It’s brown, probably from the Fall ’79 or Winter ’80 collections. I think she gave it to me because at a certain point, she decided that vacuuming didn’t also have to be a weightlifting event.

The Electrolux weighs a lot. Like, about 37 pounds.

And it puts off heat. It get sort of hot to the touch. This probably isn’t good.

But it cleans! And it tells you when the bag is full! And not only does it de-dog-hair my floors, but it also gives me a great workout. Screw the Shred cardio / weight / abs formula. My vacuum cleaner gives me weight training, an aerobic workout, and the added bonus of pore cleansing from the heat – like my own personal sauna while I’m cleaning my house. It scares the crap out of my dogs, too, which solidifies my position as alpha of our pack.

Evidently, Electrolux makes these hip new vacuums now. I can’t speak to any model that’s not at least 30 years old. They’re Johnny-come-latelys, really.

I’m a little embarrassed that my Electrolux doesn’t have a name. Before the Electrolux, my parents had a powder blue upright vac with a blue and white plaid bag. His name was Irving. But I don’t think we ever named the brown bomber that’s currently kicking ass and taking names at my house.

Any suggestions?

Oh, and yes, I realize I do need to get out more. Thanks.

Previous Post Next Post

You Might Also Like

No Comments

Leave a Reply