In which I am culturally illiterate. And catty.

One thing I’m sure we can all agree on is that Miss America is The Best Pageant. It’s actually not a pageant at all, but a scholarship competition. With swimsuits. But there’s a talent competition. And all the contestants have to be in, like, you know, college.

The one thing Miss America lacks is any sort of state costume competition. And in that way, Donald Trump’s Miss Universe has the upper hand.

Now, to be Miss USA and Miss Universe, you don’t have to be literate. You have to be pretty and want to be a spokesmodel. There is no talent competition. For some reason, the top five finalists have to answer questions about health care reform or Apartheid, which is totally unfair. They should be questioned about stuff they know, like laser hair removal versus waxing. It’s not like Miss Universe will serve next to Yoda in some sort of intergalactic United Nations.

Anyway.

The questions are stupid. But the national costumes? Divine. Let’s review some of the noteworthy submissions from Sunday’s pageant.

Miss Honduras
Now, this is a nice example of your traditional national costume. She’s displaying the cultural heritage of her people. She looks feminine and fresh.

Miss USA

Ah. I’m proud that our git-r-dun heritage was well-represented for the whole world – nay, the whole universe – to see. Miss USA is neither fresh nor feminine. She looks like a waitress at a NASCAR-themed Hooters.

Miss Ukraine

Feminine. And graceful. I just didn’t realize half-bird, half-mermaids lived in the Ukraine.

Miss Germany

A for effort, Miss Germany! Any national costume that requires you to walk sideways through doorways is a winner in my book. But, let’s be honest: the poor girl looks miserable.

Miss Albania

Umm … I’m sort of scared to comment on this one. I’m afraid that Miss Albania will come for me. In the night. Sort of like Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty.

Miss Panama

I’d actually like to know the cultural significance of this one because it’s … wow. I know she’s representing Panama, but our friend is obviously part Vegas. Or at least has a future career there.

Miss Montenegro

It’s a strong statement to represent the people of Montenegro’s rich cultural heritage of … wearing bows.

If I had to design a costume representing my cultural heritage, I think it would be jeans. No, wait – sweatpants. And covered in dog hair. Yeah. And an orange t-shirt my parents got me in St. Maarten in 1988 that is the softest t-shirt in the whole universe but that I only wear when I really need it because I now consider it a frail antique. And more dog hair. Because dog hair? The new feathers. So suck on that, Miss Panama.

What about you? What’s your cultural heritage costume? Best comment wins a fabulous prize pack. Seriously. Because I feel like giving some cool shit away. And I’m hoping it will atone for this post.

Send your costume descriptions by August 31. In the event the winner is unable to fulfill her duties as Miss Noodleroux Cultural Heritage Costume Queen, the first-runner-up will assume those duties. You know the drill.

All photos courtesy of www.missuniverse.com.