I can’t hear you over the whining.

I was trying to be a good parent. Really, I was.

I scheduled Foxie Doxie to get his teeth cleaned. Or, as the receptionists and techs at my vet call it, “his Professional Dental Cleaning.”

Like, I brought him in this morning and am all, “Mah kidz here to get his teeth did” and they’re all, “Foxie is here for his Professional Dental Cleaning!” Like they’re trying to brand it as something other than a giant rip-off.


I’ve been putting this off for years. But, this year, I couldn’t ignore the fact that Foxie’s teeth were starting to look like they were upholstered with gold shag. You know what I’m talking about. So, off for the Professional Dental Cleaning we go.

The pup did fine. They called me while he was under and asked if I wanted them to pull one of his teeth that was chipped. See, because if it gets infected, they’d have to put him under again to extract it, and we could just be safe and do it now. Although it was possible it had been chipped for eons with no adverse affects.

It was one of his front teeth. I said no. Because I’m a lady, I didn’t say “Fuck no,” although that was on my mind.


When I picked him up after work, they gave me instructions on brushing his teeth every day (seriously? Have you met Foxie?). And then they brought him out.

Foxie took one look at me … and then turned the other way. He clearly wanted nothing to do with me, as his body language very succinctly said, “You did this to me, bitch. You are dead to me.”

But I did manage to get him in the car. It was at this point that I realized he was leaking. Well, not leaking, but he sounds like a punctured tire. Our evening has featured a soundtrack of one long, continuous, high-pitched cry. Also? Foxie is stoned out of his mind.

For a while, he could only keep one of his eyes open at a time. Now, he can keep them open simultaneously, but not really focused. However, one thing is clear: I am not to be trusted. Also? Dachshunds hold a grudge.

Considering that I’m still holding a grudge against that girl who tried to steal my bike shorts in 1991, I can’t judge the pup. And my grudge didn’t even involve actual physical pain. Foxie is acting like he’ll never regain use of his jaw.

But his teeth? They’re sparkly and shiny. Doesn’t that count for anything?

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