Mom: So, what’d you guys think of our Christmas letter?
Me: Uh? I liked the pictures a lot.
Poochie: Yeah, the pictures were great.
Me: But, umm? You talked about your awesome trip to Alaska and how Poochie’s going to grad school and moved … and then it said, “And Cha Cha has two dogs.”
Me: You might as well have added, “And she is obviously not married.”
Mom: I could send out an addendum.
Poochie: Yeah! And you could ask if anybody needs to get married for a green card or needs to get married so they have someone to cook and clean for them … those are mostly widowers, but you know, you might get some interest.
Mom: It’s not like you have cats. You have dogs.
Me: Right. But you made it sound like, “Cha Cha is our spinster daughter. She has a lovely collection of housecoats and many years of newspapers decorating her home.”
Poochie: Hey! Did you get that e-mail I sent you about the movie I liked?
Me: Oh, yeah – Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day? Yeah! You liked it?
Mom: Ooh, that’s a good one.
Poochie: Yeah, it was great. And Miss Pettigrew is a spinster!
Me: Oh, nice to see my people represented!
Poochie: But she’s poor, and at least you aren’t poor. So, you have that going for you.
Me: Hmm. True.
Poochie: And you’re not totally pathetic like Miss Havisham. I always wondered … did she ever take the wedding dress off? Or did she just sit in that dress for however many years and never bathe? Because after two days, I can tell that I need to take a bath. I bet she stank.
Mom: Oh – good point.
Me: Ugh. I never thought about that. Didn’t she die in a fire?
Poochie: Yep. Things rarely end well for spinsters.
And … scene!