Live blogging? This is how it’s done.

Remember when miniseries were The Shit? And ABC wouldn’t call it a miniseries, but AN ABC TELEVISION EVENT?

Oh yeah, baby. Bring it.

While I could write an entire post – nay, an entire blog – about my love of North & South, this is actually a different kind of NOODLEROUX BLOG EVENT.


It’s a balmy 3 degrees right now, and I’ve been wearing not one but two pairs of socks all day. I’m cold. And I’m fat. I gained five pounds over Christmas, a fact that my jeans are all too happy to remind me of on a second-by-second basis. Because when denim digs into your midsection? It makes you love life. Really.

Remember last year when I discovered a great new exercise program based on purchasing Jillian Michaels’ 30-Day Shred workout, then displaying it proudly next to my TV without actually placing it in the DVD player?

It’s been there since July. Obviously, I am dedicated to this regimen.

However, it occurred to me that feeling cold and fat was a perfect time to just do the damn workout already. But I don’t want to rush into anything. I considered doing the workout, with workout clothes and my yoga mat and the whole deal. But I don’t have hand weights, so I’d be already sort of not going all out. So maybe I could just watch the workout while sort of doing it, even though I’d be wearing my friendly jeans and wouldn’t have any clue what I was doing.

Then, I realized that no, I need to watch the workout before I attempt to participate. This will help me get acquainted with the routine and will help me and Jillian build a relationship. A relationship built on trust, so that I’ll be physically and emotionally prepared to participate in the workout later.

So, I’m putting the DVD in right now.
Jillian is totally committed to getting big results. She’s totally committed to me! This isn’t a workout – it’s a system! A high-energy system with different levels that will definitely give me !results! Right on. I feel a difference already.

Lil’ Frankfurter and Foxie Doxie are wearing their argyle sweaters and are asleep on the couch. Obviously, 30-Day Shred is a family activity. Like Jillian, the doxies are totally committed to getting big results.

I’ve selected the Level 1 workout. Jillian is chatting with her workout bitches. I hate them already. I have a feeling they didn’t eat barbeque potato chips for dinner.

Everybody’s just swinging their arms. Now they’re shaking it out. I could do this.

Shake it out! Then right into jumping jacks! Everybody’s getting warm and not getting hurt. However, my ears hurt from this music. It’s like bad late 80s rap with a dying squirrel screaming in the background.

Jillian refuses to give me modified jumping jacks. If I want results, I have to do the work. However, I can wuss out with the push-ups with what we learned in PE as “ladies’ push-ups.” Because upper-body strength and uteruses (uteri?) are mutually exclusive. At least that’s the excuse that’s been working for me since 1987.

Jillian has a tattoo. It looks like an eagle around her entire ankle. Which makes me think of the Say Yes to the Dress episode I saw today while eating barbeque potato chips – one of the brides was wearing a law enforcement monitoring ankle bracelet. And she showed up to pick out her wedding dress with her four kids. Way to set an example.

Jillian is done with strength training and we’re back to jumping jacks. None of the women in this video have any boobs. Just the idea of all of these jumping jacks makes my ladies want, like, four layered jogbras. Just sayin’.

Jillian says I am capable of working out and will get the results I want and deserve. I have to admit – her narration is really good. I don’t want to kill her … from the comfort of my couch.

I wonder if doing this workout will make me begin all conversations with “Jillian this” and “Jillian that.” Because that’s totally where this posted is headed. You’re feeling the burn, aren’t you?

As much as I’m pretty sure this workout would kick my butt, it’s getting difficult to sit on my couch and just watch this video. I think I’m getting fatter. Maybe I’m just retaining water.

Jillian says if I want results, I have to hang with her and fight for it! There is no stopping – this takes the place of HOURS of phoning it in at the gym.

Jillian’s hair is so shiny. Yesterday, I got my hair cut and admitted to Crazy Stylist that I don’t actually condition. She looked at me like I’d just admitted I was illiterate. Needless to say, I walked out with a bottle of conditioner. I wonder what kind of conditioner Jillian uses. I’d ask her, but she’s currently killing a woman with some sort of hideous ab torture. If you want abs like that, you have to fight for it! Jillian is very combative. They should put her in charge of the TSA – no terrorists would get through airport security. Jillian doesn’t take any shit!

Now I’m blowing my nose, still fighting the end of Wretched Cold. I hope Jillian doesn’t think I’m phoning it in. I’m fighting for my nasal health!

Now, we’re going to finish strong! We don’t just turn off the DVD. We push a little harder and see results! That knot in my stomach is me getting strong – it has nothing to do with barbeque potato chips. It’s fear leaving my system!

And now, finally, it’s cool-down time. Jillian is not terribly flexible. I love her for this.

The dying squirrel rap is now sort of a generic Marc Anthony Latin beat. I think I preferred the squirrel.

Now we’re shaking it out again. I’m feeling really positive about my workout. I made some progress. Jillian says I’m well on my way to being shredded!

OK – and that was it.

Overall? I’d say that I like Jillian’s workout. It was accessible, and her talk during the workout was motivating. I also like how she broke the workout into very small increments – I can get through one minute of ab work.

Lil’ Frank and Foxie Doxie also felt comfortable with the workout, but they wished there was an option to view the workout without the music. They think that their own barking would be far preferable.

As a family, we’ve decided that maybe tomorrow, we’ll do the workout again. We’re feeling the burn.
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