Making the world a better place, one skank at a time.

For the first time ever, I ran out and bought a People magazine the day it hit the newsstand.

Obviously.

So, Bret.

First of all, I am so, so happy that you are going to be OK. Alice and I were in the car with our friend Rocco when he was messing with his phone and all, “OMG, Bret Michaels had an aneurysm!” And we were all, “You’re lying. That’s the meanest joke ever. Shut up.” Because you and I have a long history, what with Poison and your tasteful dating shows. And now, thanks to Celebrity Apprentice, Alice has announced that you are on Her List.

But Rocco wasn’t playing a mean joke. He was telling the truth. And Alice and I rushed back to her house and searched for any news we could find. Sadly, E! News was our best source, and they weren’t saying much. And we had to endure Ryan Seacrest. Which tells you how much we were worried about you.

So, now you’re rehabbing it up and expected to make a full recovery. And you told People that your kids kept you alive because you didn’t want them to face a future without a dad. And then my heart melted just a bit.

You also aluded to possibly getting married to the mom of your daughters and your current girlfriend.

Sigh.

Now, at first, I was all, “WHAT? You mean you didn’t find true love on Rock of Love Bus with Taya, the Penthouse Pet / adult entertainer who obviously saw the show as a career move and whose real name is Laurie?

Color me shocked.
So, super awesome for you if this experience gives you a new lease on life and helps you figure out the life you really want to live. We should all be so lucky to have that kind of clarity and purpose.

However.

What does this mean for the future of your career in television? I’m guessing that if you’re married, any show where you search for your ladylove is sort of, umm, out. I like the idea of a “Leave it to Bret”-style show where you showcase your family life. What is it like to have a non-Ozzy rocker dad? You could show us. However, if you’re heebed out about having your kids on the teevee? Well, dude, I totally commend you.

So, all signs point to one true future for you: Slut Rehab with Bret Michaels.
Obviously.

Because if you don’t have a dating show anymore, then there are going to be tons of unemployed skanks. Women who would have otherwise found a livelihood catfighting for your affections will have nowhere to turn, nowhere to go. And who knows sluts better than anyone?

That’s you, Bret. It’s your calling – nay, your duty – to help these skanks turn their lives around. Hopefully it won’t take a brain aneurysm to straighten them out and get them out of their Frederick’s of Hollywood tube dresses and into clothes that are more appropriate for, well, not being a whore. You can make it happen, and by putting it all on TV, you’ll be doing outreach for the skanks that you can’t help personally.

Think about it. Feel better. And call me. We can make this happen!
Images courtesy of people.com and vh1.com.