Are you freakin’ kidding me?

The good“Look at your clothes – they’re all tiny! They’re like little Barbie clothes.”

–My Guy, watching me fold two sweaters. Yes, he’s visually challenged. No, I’m not going to correct him.

The bad“You want sugar scrub pedicure? Good. And you’re here for eyebrows, too? Oh, no? Well, OK.”

–Nail tech in the process of exfoliating my feet. Instead of being relaxed, I spent the rest of my pedicure thinking, “My brows? What’s wrong with my brows? I know she was just going for the brow wax upsell, but have I been walking around with hideous brows and no one has been telling me? Do I have yeti brows? I’m pretty detailed oriented – wouldn’t I know if I had shag carpet on my face?”

The ugly“I wear this to work every day!”
–BFF, who lives in Zambia.

I was all totally distraught because I thought I missed the Miss Universe pageant and its fantastic national heritage costumes. This would have been worse than forgetting to call my dad on his birthday. (Don’t worry, I did send a gift.)

However, I’m safe! The pageant is on Monday. But the national heritage costumes have already been unveiled! Yessss! You simply must go here to see the bestest national heritage costume recap ever. Seriously. You won’t be able to stop saying, “Russia! We get shit done!”

Image courtesy of Reuters. Link courtesy of BFF, who, sadly, will not be able to watch Miss Universe in Zambia. Donald Trump, how could you let this happen?

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