Let’s talk about my uterus, shall we?

I spent Thanksgiving with My Guy and his family. He is one of five children. There were 17 of his family members there. And me. It was a touch overwhelming. Fun, but lots different than the typical me, my parents, and Poochie.

And? I fell into The Trap.

A sat down to talk to My Guy’s grandma. She’s sassy and I like her. My Guy has alluded to her difficult tendencies, but I hadn’t seen this first-hand.

We talked about the new house. Which led to:

Grandma: So, what are you going to do with all those bedrooms?

Me: Well, we’ll figure it out.

Grandma: Are you going to have children?

Me: Well, we’ll figure it out.

Grandma: You know, My Guy has always wanted children.

Me: (oh, shiiiiit.) Well, we’re not really sure.

Grandma: Oh really. Why?

Me: (fuuuuuuuck.) Did you know that I’m five years older than My Guy?

Grandma: Really? No, I didn’t know that. Are you worried you’re too old to have babies?

Me: (well, that lame-ass plan backfired.) Umm?

Grandma: There are lots of ladies who have babies into their 40s. Their FIRST babies.

Me: (giving up.) Uh-huh.

Grandma: You have lots of time!

Me: (kill me now.) Can we get married first?

Grandma: Well, I’d hope so.

And … scene!

When I recounted this to My Guy hours later, he was apologetic. “I’m so sorry! Was there anybody there to save you?”

“Uh, no.”

“That sucks. My cousin is usually really good about that. Grandma probably isn’t happy that we’ll be living together before the wedding.”


“Whatever. I don’t care.”

“Do you think your grandma thinks I’m a virgin?”

“Uh – I don’t know. I don’t care.”

“Maybe I should have told her that I don’t want to have children because I’m terrified of intercourse.”

“Yes! You should have asked her about it! ‘Do we actually have to touch? What if he just has really good aim?'”

“Love it. ‘You had four children. How does it work?’ That was totally a missed opportunity.”

And then we cackled like the evil people we are. And I was thankful.

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