The dream of home ownership.

I knew I had somewhat, err, aggressive visions for cleaning and painting our new house. In my mental utopia, we’d do a quick clean and then begin painting and transforming the house from a dump into something suitable for the Vanderbilts.

I didn’t imagine that I would spend all of last night and all of today cleaning the bathroom.

Yes. One bathroom. Twenty-four hours.

I’ve gone through an entire canister of antibacterial wipes. A big canister – 70 wipes.

Again: One bathroom.

And I’ve bleached and scoured and scrubbed and cursed the guy who literally a) didn’t aim; and b) never cleaned. So, I’ve cleaned up shit all day.

I took a break and ran to my house to let the four pups outside. Remember when I said I was impressed that Lady Doodle hadn’t had an accident in the house?

Umm, yeah. About that. Poor girl had explosive diarrhea in my laundry room.

I stood in the garage and could smell something foul. When I opened the door to the laundry room, I was frozen. Two dogs. Poo everywhere. The dogs had to walk through the poo-ridden room to get outside. I had to walk through the poo-ridden room to get to the cleaning supplies. And somewhere in the distance, Lil’ Frank was in his kennel, barking his head off.

Welcome home.

I spent an hour scraping poo off the sisel rug, then lugging the rug outside, then draping it over my deck railing, then hooking up the hose, then spraying the rug. Then? The rug fell off the deck with a splash into a mud puddle.

I drug the wet and poopy rug back onto the deck and hoisted it back onto the railing – getting myself somewhat wet and poopy in the process. All of the dogs were really interested in this new decorating scheme. I ran into the house to get some Resolve, and I realized that there was poop in the kitchen. Someone had tracked it in … and that someone was me. I’d stepped in doo-doo in the yard and had it all over my shoe. And of course, when I sprayed my shoe off, I managed to get my shoe, sock, and pants soaking wet.

Then? Then, it was time to wipe Lady Doodle’s posterior with baby wipes. She wasn’t happy about it, but her litter mate Big Doodle was really interested. So interested that he licked my head as I leaned down to get a visual on her butt.

And? My house smells like shit.

And I’ve literally been cleaning shit all day.

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