An open letter to the good people of Mattel.

So, I spent several days shuffling around my house, muttering about how much my boobs hurt. Because OMG, they totally did. Also? I went down a bra size. But only on one side. How convenient.

But in the midst of my mumbling and moaning and aimless surfing, I discovered my new heart’s desire.

Yes. Mattel is making Krystle and Alexis Barbies.

You know, Krystle and Alexis, from Dynasty?

I know!

Now, I wasn’t a huge fan of the show … I was, like, 7. But let’s be honest: my Barbies dreamt of nothing but emulating the look of Dynasty. Barbie changed her clothes at least four times a day. And who’s to say evening gowns aren’t appropriate at midday? Not my Barbies, that’s for sure.

Mattel? Let me level with you. If you send me these Barbies, I will feature them in this here super popular blog that’s read by at least three people – four people if you count my mom.

Krystle and Alexis won’t ruin their gowns by reenacting their famous pond wrestling match. No. At noodleroux, Krystle and Alexis will star in photo essays showcasing their many adventures – and their fabulous looks.

They’ll explore my new backyard in my 1981 Pink Barbie Corvette. I even still have the seat belts, so no worries about safety. Nothing but the best for Krystle and Alexis.

The girls will also tackle tough home improvement projects, like decorating a dream house and replacing a bathroom fan that only turns off for about four minutes every day. Can’t picture Alexis wielding a wrench? Just wait. And no, she won’t muss her hair. She’s Alexis Colby, dammit!

But lest you think that heiresses are homebodies, just wait. Ever wonder if the Carrington women buy skim or 2%? Let’s go to the grocery and find out!

Now, I know, Mattel. You’re probably wondering what qualifies me to properly care for and – let’s be honest – handle strong-willed Krystle and Alexis. And that’s a fair question. But I will tell you this: my favorite Barbie ever was Golden Dream Barbie.

She looks like she should have been on Dynasty, no? Or maybe Solid Gold. But totally Dynasty.

I loved Golden Dream Barbie so much that when my brother played with her when I was at school, and he left her out, and our cocker spaniel got a hold of her and chewed her foot off? I got another Golden Dream Barbie – but I just couldn’t abandon my first Golden Dream. So I talked my mom into switching the heads with another Barbie. And then I had twin Golden Dream Barbies, with double the understated 80s glam.

They were my own Krystle and Alexis. Big-haired, resilient and fabulous.

So, Mattel? Consider it. Think about all of the good times the real Krystle and Alexis can have here at noodleroux. Make my dreams come true!

Fabulous images courtesy of Less-than-fabulous image courtesy of flicker because I can’t find my Barbies in my current partially-moved-and-taking-painkillers state.
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