A grouchy bride by any other name …

So. I did not change my name when I got married. No new last name. No hyphen. Still the same old Cha Cha.

My last name is super, super common, so it wasn’t about keeping the name alive. It was more about keeping me alive. Everything is changing … my name didn’t need to.

My Guy? Not super thrilled. But supportive. I can dig that.

My parents? A bit befuddled. They asked me a few weeks after the wedding if I’d really kept my name. When I answered yes? Complete and total silence.

Umm … thanks?

But for the most part? It’s been no big deal. The worst of it?

Let’s say you’re a huge big-box retailer who makes a pretty penny on bridal registries. You were already on my list because you sent me an e-mail at 4 p.m. the day of my wedding, telling me to hurry up and buy stuff from my registry that wasn’t purchased for us. The day of the wedding!

But I digress.

So, let’s say you throw a gigantic Fulfill Your Registry You Crazy Bridal Bitches Event. And the store is closed and only brides and their bored husbands can get in.

As a very generous gift to my husband, I attended this insanity alone. I checked in so I could trade in my nasty, dog-molested comforter. The guy at the door smiled at me. “What’s your married name?”

So I told him. And then I … umm … got what is for me a little snotty, but for normal humans is probably still insanely polite. “I didn’t change my name.”

He couldn’t find me. The other lady walked over. She couldn’t find me, either. They asked My Guy’s name. They looked for him … and found him.

They’d filed my registration – for which I had RSVPed, with my name – under my husband’s name.

Bed Bath and Beyond? While I’m thrilled you replaced the comforter that my dogs destroyed? I sort of hate your guts for being so fucking stupid. It’s 2011. I am not the first woman who kept her name. And if I personally RSVP for your stupid event? The name I give you is probably the name I’m going to give you again when I show up. Just a heads-up.

You make millions of dollars every year from weddings, which are an etiquette minefield. You might consider brushing up on your Emily Post.

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