Love me, love my gut.

I think we can all agree that there’s nothing more horrendous than hearing about someone else’s dietary issues. So, I’ll make this as long, complicated, and hideously boring as possible.

I’ve stopped eating gluten. When one of the various and sundry ladydoctors told me that I probably had polycystic ovarian syndrome, I started trying to figure out if I could keep such craziness at bay by, you know, eating more rutabagas or something. Or, any rutabagas.

Funny, but it seems that lots of folks have issues with wheat.

Considering that I ate Frosted Mini-Wheats for breakfast every morning, and wheat germ on my yogurt every lunch, I thought about cutting those out. So, I did. And I also stopped eating bread and pasta and sweet jeeeeeezus, there is gluten in everything.

So, I’m eating quinoa and gluten-free pretzels. And lots of apples. And some other stuff, too. I haven’t given up beer, but c’mon – let’s not be totally crazy. But here’s the thing: I can tell when I’ve splurged and had some beer or (gasp!) eaten part of a bun. My gut gets all unhappy and knotty.

Plus? I’ve lost 5 pounds.

I know, right?

I wouldn’t go so far as to say I have a wheat allergy or anything like that. But I will say that I feel better without the mass quantities of wheat in my diet. Considering that my family were wheat farmers, and my sweet grandpa even had wheat in the flower arrangement on his casket? I feel sort of guilty.

But mostly? Mostly, I need to come up with a great, folksy name for “I feel better when I don’t eat wheat.” Because I’m jealous of people who have diabetes, who can simply say, “Oh, I’ve got the sugar.” Or, if they’re being really descriptive and technical, “I gots the sugarbeeties.”

Here are some options:

  • Glutenapathy
  • Glutenoma
  • The wheaties
  • Glutosis
  • Wheatbeeties
  • Grainophobia

Help a gluten-free girl out. I’m looking for something that says, “Gee, she’s down-home, even though she will be a giant pain to feed. Her folksiness makes her dietary restrictions totally worth it!” What do you suggest?

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