I am so excited, and I have Rep. Todd Akin of Missouri to thank.
Evidently, as a woman, my ladyparts have the ability – nay, the superpower – to decide when to conceive. Akin tells us that pregnancy resulting from “legitimate rape” is rare, and that “the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.”
Whew! What a relief!
So, if I’m ever the victim of rape, the last thing I need to worry about is pregnancy – which is a good thing, since Akin and his cronies want to make abortion illegal, even in cases of rape. I thought I had some qualms with a bunch of old white guys bossing around my private ladyparts, but Akin does hold a degree in management engineering. Now, I don’t have to worry my pretty little head about it.
And, by Akin’s reasoning, if my body can magically shut down conception, then it only stands to reason that it can also magically pump up the babymaking. So, to all those “medical professionals” that told me and My Guy that our chances of reproducing were akin to finding a needle in a very large haystack? If a member of the House Committee on Science, Space, and and Technology says my body is smarter than that, well, then, you know it must be true.
What a relief. I’m gonna start working on our nursery now. I’m certainly not going anywhere near the courthouse, which I imagine will be packed with guys applying for licenses to perform “legitimate rape.”