I’m not a dog trainer, but I play one on TV.

Remember when I was all, “My dog is destroying my life?”


Longtime friend of noodleroux Patti left an impassioned comment about her own personal canine hell.

… I saw a picture of a cute puppy on FB and next thing I knew I had an 8 wk old spawn of satan. … My free dog has cost me $300 in training and she is still a wild ass monster. … I hold you responsible Cha Cha after all your cute dog pictures and talk of puppy love. I obviously overlooked the parts about ruined bedding and destroyed possessions, but someone has to be responsible for this mayhem that I have visited on my life so I choose you … I could be on dog shaming every single day of the week. My dog’s sign would say “I am a face licking, door scratching, fence digging, shoe eating, couch ripping cushion digging food stealing counter jumping dinner begging arm breaking old lady tripping cat chasing mother f-ing nightmare except I make sure everyone is AWAKE by my loud and endless barking” signed Olive. Help me…. 

Oh, sister.

First of all, get a bottle of wine. Not a glass. A bottle.

Now then.

I’m so, so sorry.

Keep in mind that this entire blog is basically 1 giant exercise in “do as I say not as I do.” Just for the record, I do not condone having 4 dogs, 3 of whom are assholes. I do not suggest letting them rule who sits where on the couch, and I don’t recommend being “flexible” (read: “completely inept”) with the training. Legally, I assume no responsibility for shit you get yourself into after reading this here blog … so Patti, honey? Don’t you dare drop your dog off at my house in the middle of the night. I will know it was you, and I will make sure Olive finds her way back to you.

That said … I don’t actually have experience with puppies. All of my dogs have come into my life as adults. Your puppy sounds like a coked-up toddler. At least you know there’s no reasoning with her – I mean, she’s a coked-up toddler, and there’s not much you can do with that except ride it out.

Training is good. Routines and good. Crates are awesome and absolutely necessary. And getting the pup as tired as possible is good. But you know all these things.

Here’s my black-market dog advice:

1. Get some Rescue Remedy. They make a doggie version, and you can either put a few drops on the dog’s food or put a few drops on the top of her head, specifically at the high point of the skull, kinda in between the ears. It’s calming.

2. Learn the Vulcan death grip. Back when I was working with a homeopathic vet, trying to work miracles for Geriatric Poodle, I learned a little doggie acupuncture. Put your thumb on that high skull point I just described, and put a finger on the back of each ear. Consistent pressure on these 3 points is supposed to be calming. It worked on the Geriatric Poodle, but I will say that dachshunds consider this move to be voodoo bullshit and refuse to be calmed by it.

3. Git you some Nature’s Miracle. The cleaners are great, although the No More Marking spray hasn’t quite lived up to its name at my house. (Foxie Doxie, I’m looking at you. It’s been 9 years. You can stop peeing on the furniture legs any time.)

4. Puppy-proof your house. If there’s stuff that you would die if it got ruined, put it away for now. You can get your nice bedding back out and be more laissez-faire about putting your shoes away once your toddler has come down from the cocaine high. Recognize that you are living with a crazy being, but that the insanity is temporary.

5. I really like RELAX Riesling. And it’s only like $9 a bottle. Get a case.

6. Focus on the puppy cuteness. God made babies and puppies cute so that we don’t kill ’em.

Readers, what puppy advice do you have for Patti?

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