My Honda as an escape pod.

If you’re looking for a parking lot in which to sit pensively in your car, might I suggest the emergency vet?

That parking lot is filled with people sitting in their cars, looking rather shell-shocked. Some are trying to get their act together to go inside the clinic. Others are taking a brief respite from the clinic, making phone calls and surveying the normal world. And others, like me, are trying to decide whether to lose their shit, or just drive off into the sunset. Except they don’t know where they would drive to. And they are probably too tired to turn on the ignition, anyway.

We were back at the emergency vet twice today. Lady Doodle needed more pain meds. She now has a lovely patch, like she’s trying to quit smoking.

Except that it’s evidently super hard-core and I had to sign a release promising that I wouldn’t slap it on myself and that I would dispose of it properly and not, like, try to get a toddler to lick it.

So, that was the first trip. The second was for a look-see with a surgeon. The first surgeon said the tumor wasn’t a good candidate for “debulking” – because at this point, we’ve all accepted that there’s no clean removal. So, this look-see was with a second surgeon who wouldn’t make a decision based on the films alone.

After a 3-minute eyeballing, the verdict was in. Surgery would require removing too much of her palate. It’s a no-go.

So, for those keeping score at home … there’s no chemo for this type of cancer. Radiation so close to her eyes might make her go blind. And surgery would basically make her sinuses collapse and fall into her intestines.

Hence my sitting in the car in the emergency vet parking lot.

Now, we do have an appointment with the holistic vet who treated the Geriatric Poodle. Miraculously, this vet had a cancellation tomorrow, and we’re in. So, that’s positive. We have a plan!

I’m beyond exhausted. And the idea of justifying Reiki or acupuncture or Chinese herbs to my meat-and-potatoes husband makes me want to drink about 27 bottles of wine. Or beer, if that would be easier to relate to.

Instead, I have to come up with a way to explain that these are our options – our only options. And I need to find words that don’t make either of our hearts explode.

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