Grandmas, spring break, and The Sex.

I’m spending a few days at my parents’ house. Much like the spring break days of old, I’m chillin’ with the people who are required by law and by Jesus to hang out with me. It’s no Cancun, but I’m pretty sure I’m not gonna get roofied. And we’re having fun.

Tonight, the conversation wended its way back, as it does, to the time my great-grandma broke her ribs “roughhousing” with her boyfriend. My mom still contends that he just squeezed her too tight, but, well, it’s not like my mama is actively searching for the truth on this one.

And when the conversation turns to grandmas and doin’ it, of course I had to share a conversation I had with My Guy’s grandma. I mean, just to contribute to the discourse.

See, My Guy’s grandma has lost any filter she might have ever had. (See also: her obsession with diarrhea.) I love to get her talking because you just never know what’s going to come out of her mouth. So, when she got to talking about marriage, well … it was fantastic. She was off and running.

Grandma: Well, now, people back then didn’t live together, but that didn’t mean they didn’t have sex. We had lots of sex, but I just didn’t know what it was! I had no idea what Harold was doing down there, but then, well, I got pregnant and we had to get married.

It was at this point that I wanted to talk to her about how scary that must have been, and learn more about her experience. But there was no time for my silly queries – she was on a roll.

Grandma: I never much cared for sex. It was just what you had to do for your husband and to have babies. 

Interesting, but totally fitting with that time. But no time to talk about the evolution of women’s sexuality because …

Grandma: Now, Harold, he loved big titties. I never had ’em, but boy, he loved this girl in 4-H who had boobies like firm apples. She had some titties on her! He loved those titties, but, you know, he married me. 

It was about this time that my husband and my MIL completely lost control of themselves and quite forcefully changed the topic. Honestly, I was a little disappointed … and a little inspired.

If I were old and completely without a filter, I’d probably a) cuss like a sailor at all times because it’s fun; and b) stretch the truth and talk about my hedonistic college days and my quest to kiss a boy from every fraternity in my alma mater’s large Greek system. (I didn’t succeed, but in my filterless and truth-stretching golden years, the story will evolve so that I completed the challenge – twice – with only somewhat bruised lips and a reputation not as a hussy, but as a campus queen.)

What would you talk about with abandon if you had no filter?

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  • Reply cookingwithgas March 21, 2013 at 10:36 am

    Oh,I with you and at my age already some what there.
    My mother can cuss like a sailor these days, but the stories are still on the tame side.
    For me it takes some wine , come on over and we'll share.

  • Reply Gary's third pottery blog March 21, 2013 at 12:29 pm

    I cannot say what I would say if I removed the filter, because it is ON but I would take up smoking cigars 🙂

  • Reply Green Girl in Wisconsin March 21, 2013 at 6:14 pm

    I bet it tickles you that she's so outspoken–everyone else's discomfort must be equally entertaining, too.
    I think I'd hash on politics, sex and children if I had no filter. I'd be pretty awful I bet.

  • Reply Kelley March 22, 2013 at 1:22 pm

    I think I would be a lot like my husband's grandmother, because I don't know if she says what she does just for shock value or if it's because she truly believes it. One of my all time favorite Nan quotes was something she told me when we first got married. "If you all have a baby, you better have it at home, because if you have a baby in the hospital, they will microchip it! How do you think they caught Timothy McVeigh so quick, it was because they planted a chip in his ass!" Maybe when she passes, I'll inherit her tin-foil hat and then I can just spout off whatever I want.

  • Reply Banjo Unfabulousness March 25, 2013 at 6:17 pm

    Oh my, who knows what would come out, as I have little to no filter now. I look forward to those golden years though, for no other reason that to say exactly what I want to say, when I want to say it.

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