You down with OPB? Yeah, you know me!
I’m mostly over the whole “Everyone in the world is having babies but you” thing. No, really, I am. Mostly.
My sweet brother Poochie and his wife are expecting. I am truly so excited for them. However, it’s clear that the family was concerned about how I might take the news. Poochie called me and was all, “I don’t know what to say so I’m just gonna tell you: we’re having a baby.” And I squealed and was so excited, and then I thought about crying. But crying because I was conflicted.
I told my mom that I was totally on board with Operation: Baby Poochie. However, I reserve the right not to attend any fucking baby showers. It kind of sounded like my family was just excited that I wasn’t planning on firebombing the nursery.
I guess I’m finding out that it’s possible to simultaneously be happy for someone else and kind of jealous but not really. I don’t have an overwhelming desire to kidnap my husband’s nieces and nephews because, well, they aren’t my babies. Because my babies don’t exist. And even I realize that you can’t turn a person into someone else.
And so I make the most colorful baby quilts, and am always up for a raucous game of Uno, and always ask how school is going. I’m not a mom, but I will be Your Favorite Fucking Aunt of All Fucking Time.