I watch it so you don’t have to: Rock My RV with Bret Michaels.

Everyone’s favorite reality teevee rocker is back!

No, Bret Michaels isn’t starring in a mobile dating show called “Slut Bus,” or a whodunit called “Who Gave Me The Herp?” Instead, it’s “Rock My RV,” wherein Bret transforms broken-ass recreational vehicles into probably uninsurable tricked-out behemoths.

Basically, it’s “Pimp My Ride,” but with RVs.

Evidently, slate.com calls it “The best reality makeover show yet.” Umm … OK?

Thus far, the show has taken on projects like transforming a 20-year-old RV into kind of a family pimp palace, and turning an old ambulance into a Bigfoot tracking vehicle.

You know that part of me that saw the same poolside waiter 4 years in a row and immediately became concerned about the guy’s retirement plan? Yeah. That same part of me thinks that none of this dumpy RV rehabbing is economically responsible. But that aside …

… Yeah, it’s still a bad show.

I know. I know! I can’t help it – I’m so annoyed by Bret acting like he comes up with these designs and then is actively working on the team who does all the implementation. He’s like the smarmy kid in a group project who doesn’t do anything but tells the teacher crap like, “I feel like we really pulled together as a team.”

Bret helps with demo. They once showed him doing some spray painting. But other than that, he uses “I” and “we” a lot and slaps down design docs and says stuff like, “I want 4 pop-outs. Can we do it?”

Evidently, in Older RV Land, 4 pop-outs is impossible, due to, like, science and stuff. And the fabricator dude was like, “Ehhh … I can’t do 4, but I can probably do 2.” And Bret was like, “I know you’re great at what you do. Try to get 4 out of here.”

So, he’s That Guy. That Guy who also says, “I really wanna honor this vehicle, you know what I mean?”


Perhaps I am not the target demographic for this show. I hate camping. And I can’t help but hold it against Bret when he pronounces “philanthropy” as “philantropy” or uses terms like “reimaginated.”

Why wouldn’t that stuff get edited out? Do the producers want Bret to look dumb? Because it’s working.

At the end of every show, there’s the big reveal. The RV is hidden behind a curtain, and Bret hollers, “Rock! My! R! V!” Then, 2 scantily clad women called “The Bretettes” drop the curtain, and the RV in question appears, surrounded by fire.

It’s so cheesy, it’s almost awesome. Almost. I just can’t get around the ego at work here. Because Bret’s ego is the only part of him working. Maybe I just have PTSD from too many group projects gone bad. And that PTSD is combining with my fear of camping, and this is just not the show for me.

Then, there was my husband’s comment: “I’m really disappointed by the lack of sluts in this show.”


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  • Reply Patti June 16, 2013 at 9:26 pm

    I seriously think you made this up. No way can this be real.

  • Reply Carolyn Watson June 16, 2013 at 10:32 pm

    I completely agree with Patti! Honestly, who, besides you (just so you can fill us in on sleazy shows out there) would watch this? Who?

  • Reply Gary's third pottery blog June 16, 2013 at 11:25 pm

    sorta got lost at the corner, 4 pop out sluts or only 2??? 😉

  • Reply Karen (formerly kcinnova) June 17, 2013 at 3:18 am

    I would think you made this up, but with what little I know about so-called "reality" TV, it sounds like an actual show.
    So thank you… I think…

  • Reply Green Girl in Wisconsin June 17, 2013 at 1:04 pm

    WHY are you not writing reviews for People Magazine? Or the New York Times? Or LA Times? THEY ARE MISSING OUT! Your witty insights are crying out for a bigger audience!

    And seriously–only 2 sluts? Too tame for any MTV crowd, duh.

  • Reply geofftakeson June 17, 2013 at 6:23 pm

    I'm sorry. Bret who?

  • Reply CheckerMom June 17, 2013 at 9:34 pm

    And? and? and? I saw that Bret got his aneurysm by "accidentally" watching porn, when he was "actually" watching the MLB channel. Uh-huh. Riiight.

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