I did something soooo dumb today.
No, I didn’t try meth. It was worse.
Yes. I attempted to grocery shop a mere 2 days before Thanksgiving.
I should have known that I was in trouble when the grocery parking lot was full at 11 a.m. on a Tuesday. As I got out of my car, an errant cart came rumbling towards me. At the time, I was all, “Oh, hey, little cart friend. Let me help you back to the cart corral.” But I was a fool. That cart was trying to warn me. That woogedy wheel was actually chanting, “Get the hell outta here before it’s too late!”
But I, of course, was a fool. I continued into the store.
Now, I’m a lucky duck. I do my grocery shopping in the middle of the day on weekdays. I’ve got it down to such a science that I know that Monday mornings are crazy, but mid-day on Tuesday or Wednesday is where it’s at. I admittedly have little time for grocery amateurs.
Two days before Thanksgiving? The grocery was filled with amateurs. The few of us pros (read: anyone who has ever been in a grocery store, ever) who made the mistake of shopping made panicked eye contact as we rushed to grab necessities and get the hell out.
I do think I should earn triple points with Jesus for not running over any kids with my cart. Not just any kids, but, specifically, the little girl with the fluffy white coat. You know, the girl who was opening cheese slices and offering them to her 4 brothers, all while standing in the middle of the aisle?
Actually, not in the middle of the aisle. In the middle of EVERY AISLE. Every aisle, as her mom ignored her, parked her cart also in the middle of EVERY AISLE, and kept up a running dialogue with no one in particular about what she needed next for her homemade mac and cheese.
I wonder if she was home by the time she discovered that her kids ate all the cheese.
So, yeah. If you haven’t hit the grocery store yet, prepare yourself. It’s like Armageddon, but without the soaring Aerosmith theme song. And if it was this bad mid-day on Tuesday? By Wednesday night, it’s going to be some real bad, snakes-raining-from-the-sky, all-ye-who-enter-will-be-smitten-by-leprosy-and-herpes kind of stuff.
Good luck. And happy Thanksgiving, turkeys.