Oh, hey, pal! We went to elementary school together. You got in huge trouble for stealing your mom’s jewelry and giving it to your second-grade girlfriend. Are you still grounded?
You moved away, and we always wondered what happened with you. That’s why it was nice to get your friend request on Facebook. It looks like you’ve only had a Facebook account for 4 days, but you’re certainly making up for lost time. 119 friends already? Nice.
Listen, I know you’re new to the ways of The Facebook, so I feel the need to cut you some slack. However, you’re making me feel marginally homicidal.
It is just not cool to post song lyrics as your status update every 2 hours. It’s just not.
I keep waiting for you to settle into your new account, and maybe watch and learn as you see how others are using Facebook. If you do, you’ll notice that folks generally don’t post 10 times a day. They also don’t post cryptic song lyrics repeatedly.
It’s this hope that has so far prevented me from hiding you from my feed. But now, I’m kind of waiting for someone to call you out. I’m now kind of excited every time I see a new post from you. Maybe this will be the post to which someone comments to SHUT THE FUCK UP. Maybe this time you’ll learn the error of your ways and, oh, I don’t know, post something relevant instead of obscure lyrics from German thrash metal.
Maybe. But probably not.
Glad you’re not dead. Hope you are well. Shut up.
P.S. Clearly, I’m just as dreadful as you remember.