Coming full circle with poop and puke.

Big Doodle is a good-time kind of dude.

He hasn’t met you yet, but he loves you. He wants to be with you all the time. He wants to share everything with you.

This is why Big Doodle always tells me when he’s gotten a drink. More often than not, I have gooey, wet patches on my legs, because he’s oh-so-thoughtfully let me know when he’s quenched his thirst. He has an impressive, sponge-like beard that really gets the message across.

So, it was no surprise last night when Big Doodle sauntered over to the couch and put his wet chin on my lap. But it was a bit of a shock when he coughed.

It was loud. And it was productive.

My 90-pound labradoodle coughed up a rabbit turd. Onto my person. And then just sauntered on his merry way.

At first, I thought, “Oh, look! A tapioca ball from bubble tea!” But then I realized that Big Doodle hasn’t ever had bubble tea, and probably didn’t drive to the Chinese restaurant to get me a bubble tea because, dude, he doesn’t even have thumbs, much less a driver’s license.

Then, I had to face the fact that my child had coughed up shit onto my person. And that shit was buoyant, and literally bounced off my shoulder and into my lap before I managed to catch it with my bare hand.

So, that meant multiple poo contact points, plus poo in hand.

My Guy, ever helpful, could not stop laughing. He also couldn’t stop laughing when, throughout the evening, I kept turning to him and asking, “Did the dog really puke poo onto my person? Did that really happen?”

Yes, yes it really did.

Like most moments in life, this made me appreciate my mom even more. When I was about 7 years old, I felt compelled to tell her that my stomach was upset. Except that when I opened my mouth to tell her, I kind of barfed all over her … and the tablecloth she was cross stitching for my cousin’s wedding.

You know how you can’t wash pre-printed cross-stitch fabric because then the pattern will wash off?

Yeah. We had a long talk about how sometimes, it’s OK to take action – like throwing up in the bathroom – without telling Mom first.

Somehow, my mom got the vomit off the tablecloth and finished the cross stitching, and no one was the wiser. My cousin’s marriage didn’t last, but, well, that can’t necessarily be tied to me puking on her tablecloth, now can it?

So, Mom? I’m sorry for the surprise puke attack. At least I hadn’t been eating rabbit turds. You’re welcome. And I’m sorry.

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  • Reply smalltownme March 27, 2014 at 12:20 am

    Dealing with multiple cat poo and puke here…fortunately all I see in the puke is kibble and a bit of grass.

  • Reply Banjo Unfabulousness March 27, 2014 at 12:20 am

    I am not sure whether to laugh or cry for you……. One thing is or sure: You need a drink. Bottoms up!

  • Reply Becky March 27, 2014 at 12:05 pm

    I was once woken up in the middle of the night by a toddler with a stomach bug by her puking in my ear. Actually, she did that twice that night.

    I think regurgitated poop might be less traumatic. But then, maybe not.

  • Reply Cassi Renee March 27, 2014 at 8:45 pm

    Yeah, I'm thinking "well, at least it wasn't liquid". I remember when Emma was about 4 or 5 months old, sitting on my lap, and had a major explosion –at that age it's pretty much all diarrhea and it went right out the sides of her diaper, through her outfit, and soaked into my pants. Mmm . . glad those days are over!

  • Reply Green Girl in Wisconsin March 27, 2014 at 9:49 pm

    That is just flat out nasty.
    I've never been puked on, and right now I'm feeling very lucky.

  • Reply Heather May 5, 2014 at 10:28 pm

    Last year my 8 year old step son puked on the dog's bed. He had to walk a long way past the bathroom (which is next door to his bedroom) to get there, and when I asked what the $@!* he was doing, he said, "Petting the dog," like it was a perfectly obvious and logical thing.

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