Gynecology and prom fashions don’t mix.

Even though it snowed this week, it’s basically spring. And that means just 1 thing:


I know it’s only the end of March and technically I have a few more days before officially freaking out, but … no one has asked me to prom yet. It might have something to do with the fact that I’m 38 and married, but still. I am a fun time!

Pinterest is all prom this and prom that … so, of course, that’s my excuse for looking at prom dresses online. I’m pleased to see that the whole princess, full-skirt thing seems to be the direction of this year’s fashions. Because I’m 87 years old and prefer my high school girls not to look like streetwalkers. However, I did notice a startling pattern in many photos.

These girls all look like they have really bad yeast infections.


Why would the models be coached to cross their legs and put a hand in their crotchal regions if not to give the illusion of intense ladyparts discomfort?

She’s smiling to hide the pain, but those crossed legs give her away.

This girl’s gonna smile and look away, so hopefully your gaze will turn to see what she’s looking at and will miss the fact that she’s trying to scratch her ladybits through formalwear.

It’s so bad, you guys, that she couldn’t even finish bedazzling her dress.

This girl isn’t livid about her unfortunate prom hairdo. She’s homicidal because of yeast.

By the hammer of Thor, she is in serious discomfort!

Know why this girl has a huge smile? That full skirt is hiding the fact that she’s taking care of business downtown, if you know what I mean.

File this under “what cannot be unseen,” but seriously. I had to share. What’s up with these poses?

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No Comments

  • Reply Heather Nelson March 28, 2014 at 2:39 pm

    Oh gods! Yes! Best post of the century! (Is that a bit audacious? Anyway.)

    Please continue.

  • Reply Jenny Hart Boren March 28, 2014 at 4:31 pm

    Puts a new spin on the term "crotchety", doesn't it? I, too, am old enough to dislike prom dresses that look as though they can be worn while servicing a stripper pole.

    (Which reminds me–we visited a neighborhood open house and were appalled to see a stripper-pole installed in the master bedroom, bolted right through the carpet. There was also a giant BONG on the mantel. So do you really want to sell this dive, or what?)

  • Reply Rainbow Motel March 28, 2014 at 5:11 pm

    The lady bits gotta breathe to avoid a yeast encounter and you just know that these fabrics do anything but!

  • Reply Cha Cha March 28, 2014 at 8:03 pm


    Heather: High praise. Thank you.

    Jenny: What the helllll? What realtor would allow a house to have a bong on the mantel? I guess you've got to admire their gumption.

    Rainbow: You are so, so right! Perhaps we could market a new line of dresses made of "breathable" fabrics – and our motto could be something classy like "Don't let prom trash you vag."

  • Reply Molly March 30, 2014 at 12:37 am

    Oh god. This makes a frightening amount of sense. Well done!

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