I’m on the hunt. The hunt for new underwear.
I know, right? It’s like swimsuit shopping, but worse. At least with a swimsuit, you can get some ruffles to camouflage the, erm, rolling landscape. But underwear? Well, I want to avoid a pantyline while also avoiding thongs. See also: my post about prom and vaginal discomfort.
So, I’m taking recommendations.
This quest took me to unfamiliar territory. Yes, I visited a Victoria’s Secret for the first time since college, when a sorority sister ruled the sales floor and never led us astray. Not that there’s much going astray when you’re 21 and have the body of a 21-year-old. But still.
So, 38-year-old me went to Vicky’s to find some new underwear. And while I was there, they were having a promotion: get a bra fitting, get a free pair of underwear. Pssh! Sure! If I can get my boobs ultrasounded, poked, and prodded on a semi-regular basis, a bra fitting is nothing. And I love free anything.
The little 20-year-old with low-maintenance A cups measured me, and then brought me a bra. If you look up “quadraboob” in the dictionary, it would feature a picture of me in this bra. Sadly, I couldn’t find a way to rearrange the quadraboob so it looked like I had abs.
The sales girl assured me that the next size up would be just the thing! And then she brought me another bra which was, let us be honest, pretty much the exact same size. Sure, the tags were different. But the actual size? Total quadraboob.
A different sales girl checked out my ample bosoms in bra number 2 and was appalled. “Uh, wasn’t she going to get you a different size,” she asked. “She did,” I responded. “And I’m starting to get sad.”
So, sales girl number 2 ran off to get a different bra style – a style that ended up also making me look like a nursing sow.
After that, I was done. I was like, “I kind of hate all these bras. Can I have my coupon now?” And the sales girls were really nice, and then the manager was all, “Please don’t be discouraged! I’ve been told our bras run small, and we have lots of different sizes online!”
Outwardly, I was all gracious and “Oh, I totally understand – I’m just kind of over it and need to keep shopping.” And inwardly, I was all, “GIVE ME MY FREE UNDERPANTS AND GET ME OUT OF THIS HELLHOLE.”
So. Nordstrom bra department? You still have my heart. And my boobs.
Vicky’s Secret flawless hiphugger? So far, you’re OK. But you gotta werk it, gurl, to make up for those bras.
What are your go-to undergarments?