In which Victoria’s Secret strips me of my dignity and will to live.

I’m on the hunt. The hunt for new underwear.

I know, right? It’s like swimsuit shopping, but worse. At least with a swimsuit, you can get some ruffles to camouflage the, erm, rolling landscape. But underwear? Well, I want to avoid a pantyline while also avoiding thongs. See also: my post about prom and vaginal discomfort.

So, I’m taking recommendations.

This quest took me to unfamiliar territory. Yes, I visited a Victoria’s Secret for the first time since college, when a sorority sister ruled the sales floor and never led us astray. Not that there’s much going astray when you’re 21 and have the body of a 21-year-old. But still.

So, 38-year-old me went to Vicky’s to find some new underwear. And while I was there, they were having a promotion: get a bra fitting, get a free pair of underwear. Pssh! Sure! If I can get my boobs ultrasounded, poked, and prodded on a semi-regular basis, a bra fitting is nothing. And I love free anything.

The little 20-year-old with low-maintenance A cups measured me, and then brought me a bra. If you look up “quadraboob” in the dictionary, it would feature a picture of me in this bra. Sadly, I couldn’t find a way to rearrange the quadraboob so it looked like I had abs.

The sales girl assured me that the next size up would be just the thing! And then she brought me another bra which was, let us be honest, pretty much the exact same size. Sure, the tags were different. But the actual size? Total quadraboob.

A different sales girl checked out my ample bosoms in bra number 2 and was appalled. “Uh, wasn’t she going to get you a different size,” she asked. “She did,” I responded. “And I’m starting to get sad.”

So, sales girl number 2 ran off to get a different bra style – a style that ended up also making me look like a nursing sow.

After that, I was done. I was like, “I kind of hate all these bras. Can I have my coupon now?” And the sales girls were really nice, and then the manager was all, “Please don’t be discouraged! I’ve been told our bras run small, and we have lots of different sizes online!”

Outwardly, I was all gracious and “Oh, I totally understand – I’m just kind of over it and need to keep shopping.” And inwardly, I was all, “GIVE ME MY FREE UNDERPANTS AND GET ME OUT OF THIS HELLHOLE.”

So. Nordstrom bra department? You still have my heart. And my boobs.

Vicky’s Secret flawless hiphugger? So far, you’re OK. But you gotta werk it, gurl, to make up for those bras.

What are your go-to undergarments?

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  • Reply smalltownme March 28, 2014 at 9:50 pm

    I was mad at VS because the last time I needed panties they didn't have the style I've been buying for years. However, I just checked again today and they are back so I guess they're forgiven, at least for the panties. I've never been fitted for a bra I like there. I should go to Nordstrom I guess.

  • Reply Green Girl in Wisconsin March 28, 2014 at 10:26 pm

    Plus any sales person under the age of 25 makes me pissy, so I totally empathize.
    I haven't been in a VS in YEARS!
    My go-to unmentionables are Hanes from Target. I buy a 6 pack every year and they've never proved me wrong. Hipster style, if you were wondering.

  • Reply Patti March 28, 2014 at 10:45 pm

    i buy Mary Green Boy cut panties. They have lace trim on the legs and waist and best of all…DON'T SHOW LINES (barely) in yoga pants. I get the silk ones which hold up best with a delicate wash and air dry (they dry super fast) and don't ever pay full price cause they have a 40 to 50 % off sale every other month or so.
    Love them. Even with the extra care. Totally worth it and I am all about low maintenance!

  • Reply Patti March 28, 2014 at 10:46 pm

    and tons of colors!

    Don't know about the bras. Only have one that I have had for about 12 years.

  • Reply Trixie Bang Bang March 29, 2014 at 5:27 pm

    @Patti – did I just read $29 and change for 1 pair of PANTIES??? The little swatch of cloth that sits on a crotch??? My Grandmother just rolled over in her cremains at that one. My lady business would definitely get a big ego if it had a $29 pair of undies nestled up against her, and she'd want to go and show it all over town, and frankly I don't have time for an egotistical vagina right now. Or do i??

  • Reply Cassi Renee March 29, 2014 at 11:24 pm

    I just really want to read the "little 20-year-old with low-maintenance A cups" out loud to someone so they'll laugh with me, but there's no one here at the moment who would appreciate it 🙂

    I can't imagine going to VS –I'm more likely to do the Hanes thing, like Melissa.

  • Reply Becky March 30, 2014 at 1:28 pm

    I'm a Hanes from Kmart kind of gal.

    Although I will say that the panties I've got at VS have far outlasted any others.

  • Reply Banjo Unfabulousness March 31, 2014 at 7:05 pm

    I laughed out loud at the 20 year old comment as well. As a woman over 35 I dont really want a tweeny bopper (anyone unfer 25 still is to me) helping me pick out my unmentionables, let alone feeling me up to size me in the "correct" bra.
    I use Maidenform lace panties. I purchase them at Kohls. They are stretchy, comfy, never leave a line.

  • Reply Jami Vance March 31, 2014 at 9:09 pm

    I love Soma…for bras and panties. The clerks are more my age!

  • Reply Cha Cha April 2, 2014 at 9:51 pm

    I love all this talk of unmentionables! Let us mention all the unmentionables!

    Patti, if Mary Green has regular sales and the unmentionables hold up forever, I could be swayed. Thanks for the tip!

    And perhaps I should listen to all the love for Hanes. And why have I never considered Kohls for unmentionables?

    Thank you, ladies, for opening my eyes …

  • Reply Average Jane April 9, 2014 at 2:27 pm

    I'm all about True&Co for bras right now. They work out especially well if you've already been fitted at Nordstrom and know what brands and sizes work for you. My latest fave from them is a Spanx bra from their Bra-llelujah! line (yeah, I know). It's super comfortable because the straps are really wide and soft.

    This reminds me that I need a couple of new bras…

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