Labradoodles are horrible at keeping secrets.

So, it seems that the number one way to deal with a stress fracture is to pout. I’ve been doing a lot of pouting, and a lot of couch-sitting. And a lot of being super-mature, obviously.

A few days ago, I had just had it. I’d run errands and been to the grocery store, and I was beyond wiped out. Everything is hard when you can’t walk normally. Woe, woe to me!

So, I retreated to bed and Netflix. And it was cold. And my husband was out of town. And so I threw a sheet over the bed and hoisted my 80-pound labradoodle up on the bed so that the entire pack could watch Netflix and chill.

Big Doodle loved it. Looooooved it. He stretched out and sighed repeatedly, signalling that he was finally – finally! – up where he belonged. Cue the song from “An Officer and a Gentleman.”

But the thing about Netflix and chill is that it can’t last forever. Especially when your husband is on his way home from the airport, exhausted, and hoping to collapse into bed. So, after several hours on the bed, I attempted to convince Big Doodle that it was time to get on his own bed. Off my bed.

This did not go well.

Big Doodle stood up on the bed, circled his wagons, and then flung himself across the bed. If you doubt that a dog can take up an entire queen-sized bed, you are mistaken. Now, not only would My Guy not be able to use the bed, but I wouldn’t either. There was only space for Mr. Stretchy, Big Doodle.

I got him up again. He sighed, acted like he was going to get off the bed, and then collapsed with his head on my pillow. He then proceeded to look as pathetic and adorable as possible.

Of course I took a picture.

Finally, I scooted his booty to the edge of the bed, and little by little slid him off the edge. He let out a noise that can best be described as “pissed-off yowling.”

I stripped the extra sheet and all its dog hair off the bed and felt pretty pleased with myself. I’d gotten rid of the evidence before My Guy came home! The Doodle-on-Bed would be our little secret.

Except Big Doodle didn’t get the memo. For the rest of the night – nay, for the following 3 nights – he worked his way around the bed, resting his chin on the mattress and sighing heavily. Sometimes the sighs were accompanied by a pissed-off sneeze. Other times, a forlorn “Hern” sound. But it was always pathetic.

It took about 3 minutes for My Guy to get fed up with the drama dog and ask, “Why is he doing that? Did you let him on the bed?”

Meeee? Nooooo!

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  • Reply Cyndi B. January 27, 2016 at 2:14 pm

    We call our beagles the "dough dogs." When they first get onto the bed (when we let them) they're all small and compact. By the middle of the night they have expanded to take up the entire bed.

  • Reply Nance January 27, 2016 at 3:41 pm

    This is what happens when you have An Affair Outside The Marriage. It always comes back to haunt you. Even those One-Time Flings.

    When it's good, they cannot keep their mouths shut, and they just keep coming back for more.

  • Reply cookingwithgas January 28, 2016 at 12:50 am

    Kiss and tell. Life will never be the same.

  • Reply Kari Wagner January 28, 2016 at 1:40 pm

    Did I know about your stress fracture???
    I feel like I missed a page…..
    Steve Perry would never let this happen to you, by the way.
    I blame the Filipino lead singer.
    Now everyone else in the comment section is probably all WHAT IN THE HELL IS SHE TALKING ABOUT??

  • Reply Anonymous January 29, 2016 at 5:47 pm

    BD has simply found where he truly belongs. "hern" — Moses makes that noise, too!
    If You Give A Moose A Muffin
    This is why I did not allow the cat on my bed even when my husband was deployed. (Well, that and the cat hair)

  • Reply Anonymous February 2, 2016 at 3:48 am

    I say time for a king sized bed. I have to cram in around my clowder. There is no convincing them to get off the bed.

  • Reply Green Girl in Wisconsin February 2, 2016 at 8:36 pm

    Classic behavior–give them an inch, they go for broke.
    I hope you are giving that limb the rest it needs!

  • Reply Colleen February 9, 2016 at 6:41 pm

    Look at that face! How could you make him get out of bed?? My 3 now understand that when dad is home, it's their own beds. But when he is out of town, it's the human bed. I am embarrassed to admit that one night I actually got up and slept the rest of the night on the couch because I had so little room.
    And our next bed will be a king.

  • Reply Amy March 21, 2016 at 9:49 pm

    My Labradoodle is only 5 months old. I'm waiting for him to understand that it is truly only our bed. As soon as he begins to get that other things are truly only OUR things… BAM – he's going to be on the bed snuggling and Netflixing with me… and then I can absolutely hear pissed-off yowling… what a yowlie guy he can be. LOL

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