Products I considered buying instead of using my frequent flyer points for a hotel because I was on hold for 43 minutes.

Huh! Lookit this! You can get Godiva chocolates with your points! And just dark chocolate – that’s a nice touch. Classy-like.

Thank you for holding. A vacation consultant will be with you momentarily. We truly appreciate your patience and look forward to helping you with your vacation plans.

Well, I don’t have a Grumpy Cat scarf/hat combo. It looks warm. And it’s on sale! It’s not a look an adult woman could or should really rock. But speaking of rock … the Muzak has shifted from nondescript crap to “Roll With It” by Steve Winwood. I hope they paid him a lot of money. I now equate this song with depression.

OMG. Now we’re talking! This is the chicken coop / Brady Bunch house / Barbie house of my dreams! I have no desire to have chickens, but we could play Brady Bunch Barbies with this! It could be what happens when the Barbies move to the farm. Barbies meet “The Brady Bunch” meet “Green Acres.” I am brilliant.

We are currently experiencing a high volume of calls. We apologize for the extended wait time. Please stay on the line and one of our customer service representatives will be with you as soon as possible.

You can get a 3D printer with frequent flyer miles? This is insane! I still own a VCR!
I’m starting to feel mildly homicidal. I’ve been on hold forever, and one of the two “thanks for holding” messages plays not every minute, but every 30 seconds. It’s too much. It’s taunting me. I think it might be lying. What if my call isn’t important? What if all the vacation specialists are on a smoke break, hanging out behind the building and laughing at my on-hold plight?
Lil’ Frankfurter would really love this. I shouldn’t encourage his “no walking ever” dreams, lest he end up on some “My 600-pound Dachshund” special on TLC wherein he is removed from our home via crane, but …
Ah, Southwest. You are indeed the Greyhound of the skies, yet I cannot quit you. Your people are so nice and your credit card gives me a gajillion miles. Miles I want to use to book a hotel. If only you’d answer your damned phone.

This is AWESOME! I need this car! Look at these girls – they’re like Thelma and Louise without all the death! The pain in my heart isn’t due to Southwest Rapid Rewards – it’s because I don’t have a Power Wheels Ford Mustang with a sticker of the Frozen characters on the hood. My life is a lie!

Thank you for holding. Our vacation consultants are mocking your pain. We truly appreciate your patience and look forward to completely ruining your vacation plans by keeping you on hold forever.

If I use my points for this pool toy, my husband would be forced to install a pool in our backyard, right? Right? Then I wouldn’t need a hotel, because I would never leave my house.
After all the frequent flyer miles-based suffering I’ve been through, I deserve a pool complete with a Pirate Island Adventure Set. I’m only calling Southwest because the website ate my points and then it took 72 hours to get them refunded and I’m not about to spoon-feed the website my hard-earned points again. No sirree. No. I don’t have time to be on the phone because I need to be out in the yard, plotting out where our pool will go. I hope there’s no ancient burial ground in our yard like in “Poltergeist.” That movie totally traumatized my brother. I bet he wouldn’t have been so upset if we’d had a Pirate Island Adventure Set.

Actually, I could really use a new electric toothbrush. Periodontal health is so important.
We are currently high. We apologize for the extended wait time. Please stay on the line and … I forget what we’re supposed to do.
Epilogue: After a mere 43 minutes, a very nice man booked my hotel. I was so taken aback by an actual human on the line that my initial communication was in the form of grunts. However, I managed to elocute my rewards number and get the hotel booked. I am appreciative, even if my mental health took a hit.
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  • Reply Karen (formerly kcinnova) June 24, 2016 at 4:52 am

    I feel guilty for laughing, but good golly this was funny!
    The chicken coop? When I saw that, I was sure it was supposed to be a playhouse for my grandson… until I realized it would only make his mother insane because we got a dog instead of chickens. She loves chickens; she dislikes dogs, which is indeed a fault.

    Wait, are you saying I'm ultra old-school because I still have and use a VCR and a flip phone?

  • Reply Becky June 24, 2016 at 12:02 pm

    I'm not sure I could have hung on for the hotel booking. The temptation of all those fabulous items would have been too great to overcome…..

  • Reply Becky Brown June 24, 2016 at 12:04 pm

    Karen, I agree – that chicken coop is the best! I want a whole neighborhood of them, and I don't even like chickens.

    As for being old-school with a VCR and flip phone? At this point, that might make you a hipster.

  • Reply Becky Brown June 24, 2016 at 12:05 pm

    Tempting, right? It look a great deal of self-control.

  • Reply Dziesma June 26, 2016 at 2:55 am

    That chicken coop is far too awesome. But this entire post begs the question — hotel WHERE?! To what wonderful and exotic destination are your future vacation plans taking you?

  • Reply Anonymous June 27, 2016 at 4:14 am

    I loved loved loved the Barbie Meets Green Acres Meets the Brady Bunch – that coops just SCREAMS for it. Screw the chickens. It's all Marcia-Marcia-Marcia and Skipper, her younger cousin.

  • Reply Claudia from Idiot's Kitchen June 27, 2016 at 7:02 pm

    This is hilarious. I want all those things…starting with the chocolate and of course the chicken coop! Might have to get a southwest card none of my mileage thingies have anything so festive!

  • Reply Green Girl in Wisconsin July 6, 2016 at 3:14 pm

    You are funny–I totally expected this to morph into a story of how you adopted chickens to live in that backyard coop!
    Who knew points could earn these things? Not me!

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