I’ve written a bit about how I am … kind of holding on? I’m internalizing stress related to goingson in the world and my sweet Big Doodle is making sleep a rare commodity. These are times that try women’s souls.
I thought I was doing OK. I really did. And then My Guy and I went to a Super Bowl party.
We weren’t much invested in the game, seeing as how our teams had lost during the playoffs. But we were looking forward to hanging out with our friends and their kids and eating our weights in snack foods.
All was well. I had a plate of vegan pizza and was about to dig in when I coughed. And that cough made something in my neck erupt. Pain and tears ensued. Basically, I got a charlie horse in my neck. Like the winner that I am.
I stepped away from the group and rolled around on the floor, trying to yoga my way out of the pain. No dice. I discovered I could barely swallow. I started to cry in earnest while clutching my husband’s arm, begging him, “Don’t leave me!” while he looked like a trapped animal and responded, “I don’t know what to do!”
Marriage is super-fun and glamorous, yo.
God love our host, a doctor of pharmacy. “Pharmacist” just doesn’t seem to cut it here – I think his actual title is “Giver of Life and Taker-Awayer of Pain,” because he gave me a muscle relaxant and a heating pad. Within 10 minutes of communing with my new life partner the heat pack, I felt good enough to leave my cave of despair and rejoin the party.
I played a board game with the kids and discovered that my neck was all discolored and weird.
Seriously. This shit is amazing.
And then the muscle relaxant kicked in and I could hardly keep my eyes open. So, I spent the end of the Super Bowl passed out on the floor in front of the TV, acting as an example for the kids of why you shouldn’t abuse prescription meds.
Honestly, I don’t understand why we don’t get invited places. Between My Guy’s crazy faces and my obvious drug problem, we are a living warning to our friends’ kids. Stay in school, friends.
But the neck explosion was more than just an amazing party trick. It was yet another reminder that This Is Not A Sustainable Model. I can’t keep getting up with the dog at all hours of the night. I need to self-preserve while still being an engaged citizen. I have to find a way to balance this shit out so that I quit scaring the children.
Y’all? I am so tired. And my dog is not well.