Although I have long been a crazy dog lady, I have never had a puppy until Walter the Wonderdoodle came into our home just a few days ago. He is the bestest, cutest, smartest pup on the planet and has already taught me many things.
1. Toilets are AMAZING. They offer a rich bouquet of fragrances and we should all strive to get as close to that olfactory palette as possible. This includes – but is not limited to – trying to climb inside the toilet.
2. It is possible to get stuck behind the toilet.
3. If you should get stuck behind the toilet, scream like you are being actively mauled by a bear. If you can do this in the dark to further confuse your pack, all the better.
|Toilet kidnapping aftermath: Total exhaustion.|
4. It is possible to get inside a dishwasher.
5. Schedule bringing home a new pup to coincide with the delivery of nine cubic yards of mulch. The newest family member understands each and every wood chip deserves to be chewed and perhaps even carried inside.
6. Nine cubic yards of mulch is approximately 32,627,973 mouthfuls of mulch.
7. Mulch does not match our interior design.
8. It is impossible to pee outside while surrounded by fresh mulch. There are too many smells.
|“Hey! Did you guys know there’s mulch up here?”|
9. Earrings are made for chewing.
10. That goes for bracelets, too.
11. And that sweater with the fringy stuff on it.
12. Also the quilt grandma made.
13. Water tastes better out of someone else’s glass. It is worth scaling a side table to reach.
|It’s an immersive experience.|
14. It is a true CRISIS when all members of the pack are not in the same room. If one of the humans happens to leave the room to go to the bathroom or to get something from the kitchen, there is but one option: scream. Do not stop until everyone is back in the same room, no matter how much the humans might try to soothe you or divert your attention with some sort of inferior, non-human toy.
15. If not having the entire pack in the same room is a crisis, having a pack member in the shower is THE WORST THING THAT’S EVER HAPPENED. You just don’t know if or when somebody can come back from that. Screaming and scratching on the shower door is mandatory.
16. Miniature dachshunds are crabby and way too touchy. They snap when you try to tackle them.
|“Will somebody get this bro away from me? Who invited this guy, anyway?”|
17. Being highly malleable and sporting a large puppy belly will allow you to get away with just about anything.
|“And this is how it’s done, kids. Watch and learn.”|