Sometimes, you can’t fake it ’til you make it. Sometimes, you’re just a mess.

That long-ass title is a fancy way of saying that I am currently sporting a fat lip and a neck scratch that looks like a hickey. And it is all about to be preserved for posterity.

See? She’s a perfect angel. An angel, I tell you!

Our beloved canine RBG headbutted me a few days ago. It wasn’t her fault. But it happened. And it caused me to bite my bottom lip, which immediately turned purple and swollen. No amount of ice pack wizardry was going to dull this beaute.

The next day, she scratched me. Again, totally an accident. But it’s on my neck. And instead of looking like a scratch, it looks like a big, dumb hickey created by some big, dumb teenaged boy.

Speaking of big and dumb, I, an adult, didn’t realize my passport expired two weeks ago. You know, the passport that I need to renew my driver’s license unless I dig up all sorts of other, impossible documentation and the nurse that attended my birth.

I’m getting a passport photo with a fat lip and a hickey.

Now, I will obviously camouflage the lip with lipstick and the hickey with a scarf or a collar. But it just feels par for the course.

I bet this never happened to Michelle Obama or Mary Tyler Moore or Mother Teresa.

While I wallow, might I suggest The Greatest Passport Story of All Time, courtesy of The Moth? Trust me – it’s worth your time.

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