Sometimes, you can’t fake it ’til you make it. Sometimes, you’re just a mess.

That long-ass title is a fancy way of saying that I am currently sporting a fat lip and a neck scratch that looks like a hickey. And it is all about to be preserved for posterity.

See? She’s a perfect angel. An angel, I tell you!

Our beloved canine RBG headbutted me a few days ago. It wasn’t her fault. But it happened. And it caused me to bite my bottom lip, which immediately turned purple and swollen. No amount of ice pack wizardry was going to dull this beaute.

The next day, she scratched me. Again, totally an accident. But it’s on my neck. And instead of looking like a scratch, it looks like a big, dumb hickey created by some big, dumb teenaged boy.

Speaking of big and dumb, I, an adult, didn’t realize my passport expired two weeks ago. You know, the passport that I need to renew my driver’s license unless I dig up all sorts of other, impossible documentation and the nurse that attended my birth.

I’m getting a passport photo with a fat lip and a hickey.

Now, I will obviously camouflage the lip with lipstick and the hickey with a scarf or a collar. But it just feels par for the course.

I bet this never happened to Michelle Obama or Mary Tyler Moore or Mother Teresa.

While I wallow, might I suggest The Greatest Passport Story of All Time, courtesy of The Moth? Trust me – it’s worth your time.

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  • Reply Melissa April 5, 2019 at 2:04 am

    Ouch and RATS! How awful to look like you’ve been up to no good…
    but now I am so curious–WHERE ARE YOU GOING???

    • Reply Becky Brown April 6, 2019 at 2:20 am

      I am seriously going to the DMV. And that is all.


  • Reply Ernie April 5, 2019 at 2:28 am

    Oh bother. Being malled by one’s own dog -accidentally, AND learning of an expired passport seems pretty rotten. Passport acquiring/renewing must be the worst task known to man. I swore I was being followed by a hidden camera the day I tried to get Reggie a passport. Someone wanted to see how much nonsense I could take before I came unglued (his need for a passport was necessitated by his crazy Irish dancing teachers who demanded that he attend a competition in Montreal when he was 9. Super long story – I will keep you posted on when the manuscript about this and other nutty Irish dancing stories is going to be published – fingers crossed).

    I especially love ‘ice pack wizardry’. Is the moth story a podcast that one listens to? As it turns out, I, a grown ass adult, have never listened to a podcast, but if Becky says I must – then so be it.

    • Reply Becky Brown April 6, 2019 at 2:22 am

      Uh, pretty sure I need to read that Irish dancing book. As for The Moth? It’s a radio show on NPR but you can listen to episodes or individual stories online. It’s just a gem of storytelling.

      No shame re: podcasts. Who am I to throw adulting shade when I can’t even parallel park?

  • Reply Kari Wagner Hoban April 6, 2019 at 1:11 pm

    By the way, thank you for sending Ernie my way. I love her so much.
    I am really sorry about your boo-boos. Damn dogs. They obviously know NOTHING of passport pictures.
    I feel like you’re gonna need to throw yourself down a flight of stairs before each overseas trip now so that you look like your picture.

  • Reply Jessica April 6, 2019 at 1:56 pm

    Please post the photo. I feel like that needs to be preserved for posterity!

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