A small dachshund with an oversized personality has deigned to share his thoughts. Buckle up – in his almost 16 years, Li’l Frank has amassed some pretty strong opinions.
Current occupation? I run the county from the back booth of the Western Sizzlin’. Raconteur. And professional cuddler.
What’s your favorite snack? Carrots. Apples. Your hopes and dreams.
When your mom adopted you, you were at a literal prison. What advice do you have for other dogs living in lockup? Puppy-dog eyes will get you everywhere. And when you file your nails as sharp as possible, you have 20 shivs with you at all times.
How do you rule your household with an iron paw? The random anger pee will make the humans do their best to keep you happy. Just something to keep in mind.
Greatest skill? Being adorable – obviously. And guilting my parents for not holding me 24/7. They are monsters.
Fun fact you like to bust out at trivia? The Holy Roman Empire was neither holy, nor Roman, nor an empire.
Go-to karaoke song? “Hold On” by Wilson Phillips. “Hold Me” by Fleetwood Mac. Or “Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me.” Obviously, I am a star.
What’s the secret to such robust neck girth? Look very hungry. Trick the mom into buying only the finest dog food. The stuff that’s grain free and like $17 a can. Randomly lick your lips throughout the day to prove that you love this food. Scrunch your head down to make your neck scruff stick out like a turtleneck of fat. Moan in appreciation whenever said turtleneck is massaged. She’ll get the picture.
What is your greatest regret? There are a few spots in the house that I have yet to mark. All in due time.
Greatest indulgence? I DESERVE EVERYTHING. What? You disagree?
Advice for other dogs with bald ears? The hairless ear is only a liability if you don’t know how to use it. Smoosh those cold ears up against the mom and she won’t make you stay outside very long. Now I, personally, don’t care for a snood. But wearing it does mean extra treats.
Favorite quote? Keep your friends close and your mom closer.
Do you have other questions for everyone’s favorite elderly dachshund overlord?
4 Comments
His 20 shivs!!! I’m dying–even before he shanked me! This piece is beyond fabulous!
You are so kind – and he will let you live.
Dying here. “All in good time.” “Turtleneck of fat” and “Random anger pee.” “They are monsters.” Brilliant. Even his trivia is hilarious, and informed.
Lad brought home an Irish Setter puppy in the summer. We’ve never had a dog, since I’m ALLERGIC.
Finnegan’s question for Lil Frank: MY PEOPLE CONSTANTLY TAKE PHOTOS OF ME SLEEPING ON MY BACK SHOWING OFF THE FAMILY JEWELS, AM I A UNICORN HERE? DO YOU ALSO ENJOY SLEEPING IN STRANGE POSITIONS? I’VE EVEN MANAGED TO SLEEP IN A CRESCANT SHAPE – BUT IT WAS A REVERSE AND I SHOWED MY TONGUE. I KNOW, IT’S A TALENT. CAN YOU BEAT THAT?
Oh my goodness–this has me chuckling. 20 shivs! The karaoke play list! Snacking on your human’s hopes and dreams! Raconteur. Becky, I wonder if this dachshund overlord knows how good he’s got it, with your abiding love and understanding. He’s a lucky little guy.