I got ringworm for Mother’s Day.

I guess that’s what happens when your kids don’t have thumbs, are generally unaware of most Hallmark holidays, and, oh, are dogs.

If you’ve never had ringworm, you are missing out. And if you’ve never had ringworm in your freakin’ armpit? Well, you simply have not lived. The combination of itching and no deodorant means I am one hot mama. Bow-chica-bow-wow!

Fungus or not, I woke up on Mother’s Day snuggling with my little 9-pound dachshund. And the first thought that popped into my head was, “This is a creature of God, and he is entrusted into my care.” It was lovely.

And then he jumped off the bed and peed on the floor.

It was a nice precursor to the ringworm.

Leading up to Mother’s Day, there was a lot of noise about folks who are disenfranchised by the holiday. Anne Lamott revisited her Why I Hate Mother’s Day article. And this lovely post begged churches to include all women / caregivers / maybe-officially-moms-maybe-not in their acknowledgements.

This was my first Mother’s Day knowing that I am unable to have kids. I watched myself carefully, like I had been exposed to some horrible Mother’s-Day-is-gonna-make-you-sad virus, and was looking for signs of illness.

Mostly? Mostly, I was just fine.

Mostly, I was annoyed at the comments to the kindhearted post about including all mama-types. Some of the comments veered dangerously into “How dare you marginalize vegan non-gendered parents of foster guinea pigs” territory. Because we need to include everybody in everything all the damned time.

Mostly, I felt like channeling my mom, specifically after she’s spent time with her Minnesota sister and has a bit of a hearty-northerner accent: “Oh, may-eh gayyyyyy-ud. Get a grip.”

Mostly, I was speechless when a pal told me she felt “so, sooooo baaaaaad” for me and my lack o’ fertility. Evidently, I have a sad, sorry little life. Evidently, I am pathetic.

But mostly? Oh may-eh gayyyyyy-ud. Get a grip. Moms got flowers and kids waking them up. I got extra sleep and ringworm. It’s all fine.

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  • Reply Suburban Correspondent May 13, 2013 at 5:38 pm

    Thanks. I was thinking this, also. If I weren't a mother, I would be exactly as bothered as I am on Secretary's Day or Grandparent's Day – that is, not at all.

  • Reply Holly Grass May 13, 2013 at 6:32 pm

    I got nothing….and thats with kids who know about halmark holidays. But I did snuggle with my cats and dog. It made it better. Thankfully I did not getringworm. I had that once when I was in high school. It was awful. Once is enough for me.

  • Reply Cassi Renee May 13, 2013 at 9:26 pm

    Whether or not I'd feel bad for you about not being able to have kids would, I believe, depend on how you feel about it. I'm not sure why we assume that every woman must have a child to be fulfilled. Either way, though, not something to bring up on Mother's Day.

    I don't care for the holiday myself, but it's not for any honorable reasons such as worrying about all the non-mothers feeling left out, I'm afraid.

    I had worms once as a child, but I don't know if it was ringworm. My mom told me it was because I was sucking on my hair, but I think she was just trying to get me to stop 🙂

  • Reply Gary's third pottery blog May 13, 2013 at 11:02 pm

    pee and ringworm: your wee pup shared what they had to, um, share! I s'pose vomit and a dump are what your husband can expect on father's day…

  • Reply Mrs. G. May 14, 2013 at 4:13 am

    I would rather have ringworm than celebrate the bullshit that is Mother's Day. It is nearly as overblown and, these days, over the top as prom night. I have no sunshine to spread on this one, but I do love your pups.

  • Reply itsjustme May 14, 2013 at 2:55 pm

    1. Saw HORRIFYING child running in mall screaming and crying. Pretty sure his mom was regretting her choice.

    2. Saturday night I got home, plopped Gracie on the bed, and then watched her pee on it. *&^%$#$# kids.

    3. I've had ringworm. Sucks.

    4. Two of the 3 dogs in my household now get ear infections ALL OF THE TIME. Why can't I claim them as dependents again? That's crap.

  • Reply Karen (formerly kcinnova) May 22, 2013 at 7:39 am

    The joy of ringworm… I've gotten it from my kid. NOT fun!
    The pal? Definitely needs to get a grip! Or maybe ringworm.

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