I am Linus Larrabee.

Last night was Big Stoopid Gala, for which I have been volunteering for the last three years. This year, one of the co-chairs was a dude 27 going on 70, and frankly, it’s a miracle that I didn’t kill him. Last night, my marketing co-chair and I went to the event as friends, basked a tish in the glory of an event that went off well, and tried not to guffaw when the insane co-chair started talking about next year.

Dude, it will be a cold day in hell before I volunteer for this event again. Cheers!

We had a fun group at our table, including The Old Guy, a gentleman whom I dated briefly a year ago and who told me on our first day that his sister told him he was required to tell me that his divorce wasn’t final. Umm, ok. I like him a lot, but wasn’t terribly attracted to him, and he had a lot of emotional baggage he was toting around. I have dinner with him every few months now and it’s always fun, but I’m glad that we’re just friends.

Very long and dull story short, The Old Guy ended up totally hooking up with a very obnoxious sorority sister of mine last night. In a very obnoxious way.

On one hand, more power to them both.

On the other hand, geez, thanks a lot. Because I am conceited like that.

And I’m lonely. And I want to be adored and adore someone right back. And I am so very, very afraid.

My marketing co-chair is very handsome and super funny and by all accounts, a terrific catch. We sat in my driveway and talked for about five minutes when he dropped me home, and then I went inside. And while I was brushing my teeth, I thought, “Well, how would that have worked? Would I have asked him to come inside? He would have laughed at me. And if you invite someone inside, does that automatically mean the dirty deed? Or can you invite someone inside for some necking on the couch and then tell them to hit the road? And I went to this rather fun party tonight and now I feel like crap, and what’s that all about?”

I had forgotten about the awkwardness and the fear of meeting someone new. And yet I know it’s time. I have no clue what I’m doing, but whatever it is, I know it’s time to do it. Funny thing, life seems to be going on all around me, regardless of whether I decide to get with the program or not. I’m missing out.

I have a life’s work. I just don’t have a life.

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