Control.

Today, the dachshunds made a new friend. That would be Craig the Exterminator.

Craig the Exterminator came to my house to rid it of a plague of ants. I had pretty much decided that the ants were carpenter ants, which do the same sort of damage as termites. Carpenter ants? You’re pretty much fucked.

But Craig the Exterminator looked at my ants and announced them to be garden-variety pavement ants who just happened to build a nest in my wall. He sprayed. And the ants will die. And we’ll all live happily ever after. Hurray!

But! When Craig the Exterminator first came in the house? Lil’ Frankfurter took one look at him and melted. The two became fast friends. And when Foxie Doxie came on the scene? Foxie started barking … then stopped a few feet short of Craig the Exterminator. Foxie looked him up and down … and then sauntered over, jumped up and licked Craig the Exterminator’s hand.

Guess who’s a dog person? It does my heart good.

Having ants sucks. But it was awesome to get a professional’s opinion on my newest reality show obsession: Billy the Exterminator.

The show follows a family of exterminators as they go about their business in Louisiana. They attack every type of varmint from pigeons to beavers to wasps and cockroaches. They relocate animals when they can. And what I really love about the show is that Billy is obviously really passionate about his job. You can tell he likes explaining to the camera what he’s doing and why, and how certain animals operate. It’s cool.

And Craig the Exterminator? He likes it too.

“Yeah, somebody told me I should watch that show. It’s pretty accurate,” he said. “But did you see that one episode with the roaches?”

At this point I involuntarily seized. “Ugh. Yeah. That was gross.”

“Well,” said Craig the Exterminator, “I once treated a house that was way worse than that. I thought it was carpeted, but really what I was walking on was linoleum covered in roaches.”

At this point in the conversation, I passed out cold. But I’m pretty sure Craig the Exterminator told me that he actually changed his clothes in the driveway of that house because he didn’t want the cockroach funk in his vehicle.

Now, bugs are gross. Whatever. But I feel like I really learned something new today. And that something is that extermination is really, really cool. And I don’t ever want to do it. And that’s why God invented reality teevee.

The End.