An open letter to my new Facebook friend.

Oh, hey, pal! We went to elementary school together. You got in huge trouble for stealing your mom’s jewelry and giving it to your second-grade girlfriend. Are you still grounded?

You moved away, and we always wondered what happened with you. That’s why it was nice to get your friend request on Facebook. It looks like you’ve only had a Facebook account for 4 days, but you’re certainly making up for lost time. 119 friends already? Nice.

Listen, I know you’re new to the ways of The Facebook, so I feel the need to cut you some slack. However, you’re making me feel marginally homicidal.

It is just not cool to post song lyrics as your status update every 2 hours. It’s just not.

I keep waiting for you to settle into your new account, and maybe watch and learn as you see how others are using Facebook. If you do, you’ll notice that folks generally don’t post 10 times a day. They also don’t post cryptic song lyrics repeatedly.

It’s this hope that has so far prevented me from hiding you from my feed. But now, I’m kind of waiting for someone to call you out. I’m now kind of excited every time I see a new post from you. Maybe this will be the post to which someone comments to SHUT THE FUCK UP. Maybe this time you’ll learn the error of your ways and, oh, I don’t know, post something relevant instead of obscure lyrics from German thrash metal.

Maybe. But probably not.

Glad you’re not dead. Hope you are well. Shut up.

Cha Cha

P.S. Clearly, I’m just as dreadful as you remember.

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  • Reply Jenny Hart Boren January 30, 2014 at 6:30 am

    I've agreed add a handful of "people I forgot about until this very moment" but most of them fade away pretty quickly. That or Mark Zuckerberg decided we shouldn't be spending so much time together.

    Being at home (hopefully, not for TOO much longer) means I'm one of those who posts fairly often. I TRY to be amusing and share things of general interest and I'm NEVER cryptic "Oh MY GOD!! Sigh…" but I'm sure there are people who've blocked me because I'm fun and they're not.

    But I wonder why some people I scarcely remember send me friend requests. Maybe the shame of a skimpy friend list is just too great. I say, turn off his notifications and check again in a month. You DID get a blog post out of him, after all.

  • Reply Patience_Crabstick January 30, 2014 at 10:41 am

    Someone needs to write a book about social media etiquette. 🙂

  • Reply cookingwithgas January 31, 2014 at 12:23 am

    I think that f.b. is a place where bad art, bad quotes,bad jokes go to die and then be reborn over and over and over. That and bacon. Could we just be done with the things made out if back already. I eat back, but I am grossed out by bacon luggage.

  • Reply cookingwithgas January 31, 2014 at 12:25 am

    Whoops, need to edit.
    Things made out of bacon.
    I eat bacon, not backs because that would be really wrong.

  • Reply Green Girl in Wisconsin January 31, 2014 at 2:49 am

    Ah, those are the people who I then block.
    Weirdos out there, I tell ya.

  • Reply Heather Nelson January 31, 2014 at 3:35 am

    Once I stop laughing, I may add my own insightful comments here.

  • Reply Average Jane February 5, 2014 at 9:18 pm

    I keep eyeing the steadily growing list of friend requests from people who went to high school/junior high school/elementary school with me and every time I think, "No."

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