On my Easter recap, the lovely Green Girl left this comment:

glad to see you had a rock bus of loveless holiday! remember, recovery is one day at a time, cha cha!

Oh, Melissa. I’m sorry. And I’m mostly sorry that the show isn’t actually called Rock Bus of Love. Because that rocks!

Sunday was the Rock of Love Bus season finale. Would Bret choose Whiny-But-Nice-Girl Mindy?

Or Prissy-Yet-You’ve-Seen-My-Vajayjay Taya?

Of course I had to watch.

Bret took the ladies to the Dominican Republic. First up was his date with Mindy. Is it just me, or is it creepy that Bret picked out the dress Mindy was to wear on their date?

It’s not just me. Creepy!

And is it just me, or does Mindy have some issues if she wrote five pages of notes on what she wanted to say to Bret, but barely was able to make dinner conversation, despite the fact those five pages of notes were in her purse the whole time?

As for Taya … she managed to pose even while zip-lining through the jungle on her date with Bret. She’s a little too pose-tastic for me. At one point, she addressed the question of whether she was on the show for publicity about her Penthouse spread (in more ways that one) by saying, “It’s not like I am walking around in a Penthouse t-shirt or something!”

God love the producers, who then cut to Taya wearing a Penthouse Pet tank top.

So, Bret chose Taya, who looked like she was going to barf during the final scene. And after, she was all, “I can’t believe it! I’m Bret’s rock of love!”

It was unsettling. He should have chosen Mindy. I have been so unsettled by this that I couldn’t even write about it yesterday, and today, I’m still at a bit of a loss. Maybe I’m just sad that there’s the reunion show next week, and then I will be adrift, a woman without a television obsession. Or maybe I’ve been in denial and the camp factor blinded me to the fact that it’s all just fake, fake, fake. I heard Mindy on the radio this morning, and she admitted that she’s doing the reality show star circuit and looking for parts in movies – oh, and by the way, she’s still totally heartbroken over Bret.

Then, I heard that Bret got a cool $2 million for the show.

Then, I reread the match.com e-mail that basically called me a heathen and I freaked the fuck out. I’m not a stripper! I’m not a porn star! I have never been on a reality show where I dressed like a whore and let some weave-wearing rocker slip me a probably-syphilitic tongue upon our first meeting! I am practically a nun compared to these girls! I’m a nice girl! And, oh, great, I just spent 12 hours of my life being told yet again that nice girls never get the guy. Great. Thanks for the reminder.

So, Green Girl, the finale finally broke me. I am so over Rock of Love.

But of course I’ll have to watch the reunion show. You know, for closure.

Images courtesy of vh1.com.
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