Potpourri.

Potpourri for $200
My parents were here this weekend. Listen to me when I tell you that you have not lived until you’ve worn a skirt in a car with air-conditioned seats.

I’m just sayin’.

Potpourri for $400
Creepy Stalker Guy texted me again tonight: Cha Cha, do you still go to Happy Hippie Church? Creepy Stalker Guy

So, lemme get this straight. You can’t get me to reply to any of your messages about dating, or about help dating other people, or about the fact that I’m not replying to any of your messages. So you think you’ll ask me about church in the hopes that I’ll feel guilty not responding to questions about God?

Like I said, God told me I could do better. Back the fuck off.

Potpourri for $600
Last night, as I left my house to meet Guy I’ve Been E-mailing, I realized that I would rather be headed out to Target than to a first date. But Guy I’ve Been E-mailing was really funny and we had a great time.

However, he told me that he has his kids next weekend and invited me over to watch Spongebob with the tribe as our second date.

Dude. Although you said you get along well with your ex-wife, I still immediately thought back to the good times of Ex-Wonderful’s ex-wife pretending I was invisible. Second date? Too soon for the kidlets. Again, just sayin’.

Potpourri for $800
I have been buried in mind-numbing, blinding editing. And so, today I decided to entertain myself by choosing possible heavy metal band names out of the headlines on cnn.com. All of these are bits and pieces of real headlines from today. Which one do you think is the best band name? I want the debut album to be called “Pick it ’til it bleeds.”

Scorched Kitty
Bludgeoned to Death
Rich and Single
Karachi Kills
Witness to an Execution
Get Testy
Why Your Feet Hurt

And, of course, the hands-down winner: Life-Sized Astronaut Made of Cheese

Potpourri for $1000
I don’t like to brag, but I have to be honest.

Tomorrow? I’m going to see Cheap Trick, Def Leppard and … Poison. Poison, featuring Bret Michaels.

Now, I’m going with Guy With Two Dogs. And he totally understands that he could very well have to find his own way home, as there’s a very real possibility that Bret will announce to the crowd that he knows he made a huge mistake choosing his Rock of Love, right? And he’ll call me out – because he’ll see me, even though I’ll be sitting in the nosebleed section – and he’ll announce to the entire arena – nay, the entire world – that I am his true Rock of Love. Because chicks who wear Lucite heels are overrated.

So, if I don’t blog tomorrow, you’ll know why. But don’t worry – I’ll update as soon as I can. I’m sure the tour bus has wifi.