Prove your love.

My sinuses have been killing me today. I’m not sure if my house is just too dry, or if I’m on the cusp of a cold, but I’ve spent some quality time with my couch and my life partner, DVR.

This quality time has given the opportunity to really examine the latest episode of Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels.

It’s been a treat to really give this show the intellectual and academic attention it deserves.

Every episode has the girls competing in some sort of challenge. The winner(s) of the challenge get to go on a date with Bret. Needless to say, competition is fierce.

Previous seasons have had mud football and motocross challenges. This week’s episode featured an ice hockey challenge with an introduction by Bret about how fitting it was because he’s such a huge sports fan. Considering I’ve been ice skating exactly once, I would never win an ice hockey challenge for a date with Bret Michaels.

However, this all made me wonder: if I had a dating show where men were competing for a date with yours truly, what would the challenges be?

Heh heh heh.

The flea market challenge. Men will be judged on their potential as my junking bitch. Contestants will haggle for antiques, pack the treasures into a wagon, cart that wagon across a muddy fairground and then pack all the goods into a too-small vehicle. Dudes who complain or forget sunscreen will be immediately disqualified.

The carrying on a decent conversation challenge. This one is tricky – the contestants won’t know they’re participating in a challenge until it’s complete. Each man will have a brief getting-to-know-you conversation with me, during which they receive points for taking an interest in me and keeping the conversation going. Contestants who are asked a question like, “What sort of music do you like?” and answer without in turn asking me a corresponding question are disqualified.

The IKEA challenge. Contestants will assemble particleboard furniture with an L wrench and instructions that are in Swedish. Participants will be judged on time and profanity. Extra credit will be given to men whose furniture actually stays together.

The PMS challenge. I’m starving and cranky (just pretend – I know it’s a stretch). Contestants will prepare an expeditious, home-cooked meal for me while also soothing my hormonally charged nerves and telling me how pretty I am. The first dude to hand me a glass of wine while simultaneously rubbing my back is an automatic finalist.

What other worthy challenges am I overlooking?

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