Stone cold. Stone in love.

It’s so hot!

Cha Cha, how hot is it?

Lemme tell you. It’s so hot that I am sweating in my house. It’s so hot that My Guy and I are stuck on our couch – literally. We’re talking skin merged with leather, thanks to the industrial glue commonly known as ass sweat. It’s so hot that we didn’t change the channel and watched an entire movie featuring Stone Cold Steve Austin.

See, he was a former cop turned vigilante. And there was this bad biker gang, running guns and drugs. And Stone Cold Steve had to get all stone cold and kill some bad bikers. Like, they’d come at him with tire irons and he’d just, you know, kill ’em with his stone-cold fists.

I have to admit: I enjoyed it. And perhaps Stone Cold Steve is the answer to the Hades-like weather. Perhaps the A/C in my car – for which I paid $95 for a fix that stayed fixed less than 24 hours – could be permanently fixed if Stone Cold Steve would just drive around in my car with me.

Now, I kind of doubt that the real Stone Cold Steve would be available to just, you know, cruise around with me all the time and be cool. So, I just figured I could get a Stone Cold Steve action doll, and plop him on my dash – kind of a “Stone Cold Steve is my copilot” sort of thing.

Except! If you Google “Stone Cold Steve Austin doll,” you know what comes up?

The Danbury Mint made a porcelain Stone Cold Steve baby doll – complete with WWF belt.

It’s so, so wrong. How can a baby look so hard? So … stone cold, if you will? This doll doesn’t make me feel cooler. It makes me afraid for my safety. I’m pretty sure that if I put this doll in my car, I’d end up in a drive-by, possibly as the shooter. And that just doesn’t feel in keeping with the spirit of adult Stone Cold Steve’s style of vigilante justice.

So, I guess I’ll go back to the auto shop and throw some more money at the little A/C problem. Anything to keep this creepy doll away from me.

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