It’s not you – it’s me.

Ah, Sunday. You know what that means: another episode of Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels.

Yeah, Green Girl, I can’t believe I watch this crap, either. And yet I await it eagerly each week.

So, the highlight of this week’s episode was one girl getting so wasted that she cuddled up with a parking lot speed bump for the better part of an hour.

I am not making this up.

And … then she got kicked off the show. In her parting interview, she said, “Well, I guess Bret just can’t take a girl who falls asleep on a speed bump!”

Mmm. We all have dating deal breakers. Maybe speed bumps are Bret’s.

My dating deal breakers include calling me all the damn time. Mr. Blind Date Guy From Three Weeks Ago? I’m looking at you.

He called me Friday night and left a message for me to “call if you want.” He called Saturday afternoon and didn’t leave a message. He then called Sunday afternoon – during my alma mater’s biggest basketball matchup of the year – and left a message telling me “you’re a hard person to get ahold of.”

Umm? If I wanted to talk to you, don’t you think I would have called you back by now?

It’s terrible. I should call him back and tell him he’s awesome but we aren’t a good match. But now? Now, I’m just really annoyed. And besides – Alice says I’ve paid my dating dues and therefore not returning his calls won’t damage my dating karma.

And then? Then, Mr. Date Guy called tonight. Yeah, I let that one go to voicemail, too. His message? Of the “just calling to catch up” variety, with a dash of “let’s get together next weekend,” topped off with “I don’t know what night you’re free, but if it’s Saturday, my friends are having a barbecue, so we’ll do that.”

Oh. Nice that you’ve got things all planned out. I’ll just check my brain and free will at the door.

I’m so annoyed. And I hate confrontation, so the idea of saying “you’re great, but go away” just kills me. Would changing my phone number be too extreme?

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